It's not quite 10:00 am and the dishes are done, kitchen is clean....everything is clean. So here I am, on the computer, listening to music ("Tonight" by Enrique Iglesias at the moment) preparing to make a record second post within a month. lol Without further ado, the 3 things I'm grateful for....
1. I'm not quite sure how to put this one into words (some writer I am, huh?) but like I said in my previous post, I feel like a different person, a better person. It's already become second nature to make sure things are clean before I sit down and do nothing, to do the normal things like cleaning the floors every day. This really shouldn't be such a revelation, but this was not something that used to come so naturally. I'm not going to get into why this didn't happen in my previous marriage, and I'm not going to pass off ALL the blame (just most of it....jk) for it, but suffice it to say it just didn't happen like that, and now it does. So I'm grateful for the changes in me, big and small, that this relationship, this life, had inspired.
2. The irony of life. Sometimes I'll just lay next to Vernon at night and marvel that we ended up here, thinking about the vastly different places of life we were in when we met (he was married with 3 kids, I was a teenager - like 15 I think....lol)and now, here we are.....married to each other! I think it's so awesome. I love it when life turns out that way. =)
3. This beautiful weather. The snow is so incredible - I can't imagine ever tiring of the view. (That is, when I'm not out IN it. I much prefer the view from out the window as opposed to standing in it. Because as beautiful it is, it's also FREAKING FREEZING and this California girl is not used to it.)
Aaaaaand the 3 things I need to work on:
1. Making sure I stay in touch with people back in California. Thank goodness for Facebook, right? But not everyone is on Facebook at all or even on a regular basis, and it's mostly superficial interaction that way anyway. I've done the move-and-lose-touch-with-people-you-swore-you-never-would thing before and I want to make sure that doesn't happen this time since there are a lot of awesome family and friends back there that I miss. =)
2. Having the courage to overcome fears. I've done so good ever since I was single this last time and had the chance to figure out who I was on my own and did things like get on a plane by myself when I was terrified of flying and had never done it on my own. There was the fear of flying, which is basically non-existent now that I've done it so many times just in the last couple of months (here and back to California 4 times, California to Minnesota and back, and that's all just since this past October). And now I actually LIKE taking off, and have seriously cut down on the number of paranoid death scenarios I imagine while on the plane. lol AND I used to have this weird claustrophic fear of elevators and getting stuck in them, and I had to get used to those too after flying with two small children and numerous bags so many times. Don't get me wrong, I'd still totally freak out if I got stuck in one, but now I don't freak out just getting in one. lol NOW I need to apply the same "just do it and you'll get used to it" attitude towards driving in the snow and finding my way around this totally new place. This is the first time I've made such a big move and had to learn a completely new area. Before all of my moves that happened when I was old enough for it to matter to me were small ones, from Hilmar to Hughson, one house in Hughson to another house in Hughson, Hughson to Turlock, BACK to Hughson, then to Denair.....you get the picture. This 1,000 mile move is a completely different animal.
3. Getting a job! I sent out a bunch of emails and resumes yesterday, and I'm going to do as much as I can to ensure that I can start working. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Home Sweet Home!
I am finally, FINALLY sitting here in my new home in Washington, and you wouldn't believe what it took to get here. Up until now, my entire romantic relationship with my now-husband was long distance with an average of one weekend a month together, basically. I fell for him so hard, so fast though, and with all of the time we spent on the phone together, I felt like we had been together for years. I was just recently talking to someone - another mother on her own who shared in the ridiculousness that was last Thursday night - about how you just KNOW when you're with The One. I realize it sounds incredibly cliched and just like every other relationship on the planet, every other girl in love with her rose-colored glasses on, but it's true - when you're with that person, the one you're meant to be with, you KNOW. Maybe it's different for other people, but for me I felt it with a certainty that was like slamming into a brick wall - there were butterflies all over the place, but there was also this clear-headed surety I had never felt before. It was definitely the first time I was ever looking through those rose-colored classes AND thinking clearly at the same time, and everything I was looking through pointed to him.
When we decided to get married, we knew we would have to spend some time apart while I finished my MJC class at the beginning of December since even though the class was online, the final was on campus. My final was on December 17th, and at first we decided that Vernon would drive down on January 8th because it was the first weekend after Christmas that he could come down. After a few weeks of being away from my husband, though, I knew there was no way I could wait that long to be with him. So, the next plan was that Faith, London, and I would drive up the day after Christmas - but after looking at the weather and thinking logically about making a drive like that by myself with two little girls in completely unfamiliar weather, we went back to Vernon driving down on the 8th. Our plans bounced around like that until I started looking at plane tickets and prices to just fly up there and mail stuff or SOMETHING so that we could be together sooner. Because Faith, London, and I had each gotten $150 discounts on future flights because of the 5-hour delay we experienced the last time we flew up here, I discovered that we could get one-way tickets essentially for free - we just had to pay for the taxes (which was only like $10 a ticket, which is pretty cool but soon confirmed the old adage that you get what you pay for). So FINALLY we decided that the girls and I would fly up on the 30th and bring as much of our stuff in suitcases that we reasonably could - which amounted to 3 carry-ons and 4 suitcases - and Vernon would fly down and drive the car back up.
Imagine my excitement at finally being able to be with my husband, to get out of the limbo I was living in where my home, technically, was 1,000 miles away, and I was married but not living anywhere near my husband. Weird, weird, weird. I've always been a wait-until-the-last-minute kind of person, and packing was no exception - although it meant that pathetic though it may be, the fact that I had very little of my own posessions came in handy in this case. My friend Carri, who is a master packer, helped me get everything together and within just a few days everything but a few big pieces of furniture were either in suitcases or in the car (2001 Pontiac Aztek, which contrary to what Time magazine claims is NOT one of the ugliest cars ever made, thankyouverymuch). That thing is packed to the gills, let me tell you.
So, Thursday arrives and with it all the anticipation of finally being with the man I love, having a month of long-distance marriage for what I perceived as a totally unacceptable reason (solely online classes used to have their finals online as well, which would have meant not being apart at all, but noooooo, I had to pick one whose final was on campus) be over. Our flight didn't leave until 7:15 in the evening, so we had all day to make sure we had everything together and say our final goodbyes. We stopped by my brother's work and my sister-in-law's house, then met up with Rachel (stepsister) and her daughter, who were on the way home from the Sacramento airport after dropping off my other stepsister, and then made it to the airport exactly on time. We parked right across from the Alaska/Horizon entrance and hauled everything in - which was interesting but mom and I managed with Faith dragging her car seat by its strap. lol - got our bags checked (did I mention that was 4 suitcases AND 2 car seats?) and said goodbye to my mom.....it's the goodbyes that were the only thing about this move that made me sad.
Finally checked in at the airport, I slung a carry-on over each shoulder, carried one huge bag in my hand and piled on the jackets wherever I could - I thought I was as well prepared as I could be for possible delays and definite freezing cold weather. We got upstairs and got some dinner - I figured we would be okay since even though airport food is expensive, even if we were delayed for a few hours our stomachs would be full and we could manage until we got there since we had a direct flight from Sacramento to Spokane - another thing I was excited about, since we usually had to stop in San Jose before continuing onto Spokane. My stepdad had called to let me know that my stepsister's flight to Portland had been delayed and that I should check on mine, which was right on schedule whenever I checked it. I was still pretty much expecting a delay since apparently that's just my luck (little did I know....)so I was ticked off but unsuprised when our flight was delayed slighly. We were supposed to leave at 7:15, which turned into 8:03.....then close to 9....and the next announcement was, "Ladies and gentleman, we apologize but flight 2142 has been cancelled. Please proceed to the ticket counter to make alternate arrangements." WHAT??!! Not even a several hour delay, no other plane, no anything- just no flight. Nothing.
I called Vernon first, of course, who thought I was joking and going to say "Haha, just kidding! I'm on the plane, I'll see you in two hours!" After like the third time he asked me if I was joking I said, "NO, I am NOT JOKING!" and I heard him say in the background, "She's not joking." I held it together while I was on the phone with him and then called my mom and cried, "I don't know what to do!" The only thing I could do was sling those bags over my shoulders again and lead two children - one distraught (Faith, who was crying "I want to go to Vernon's house!" which just made me cry because there was no way for us to get there that night), one pretty much just going with the flow but wanting to run all over the place. Again I wondered why I would get a flight that was so close to bedtime....oh, that's right! Because it was supposed to be a DIRECT FLIGHT.
We waited in a line that seemed to go on forever - we must have stood there for an hour at least. I could overhear that there were no flights on any airlines that went to Spokane that night, or even anywhere near Spokane. They were all gone and nothing was going out until the morning - that was depressing enough, but then they started unloading our luggage on the floor next to the line - they so very graciously gave it all back to us, and as the line dwindled and people picked up their bags there was still quite a spread of suitcases and car seats - and all but TWO of those items belonged to me. So there I was, standing in this ridiculous line with a one bawler, one runner, two sore shoulders, and no hands. (Which I think proves that the theory of evolution is crap, because if we all evolved from stuff like the theory claims, mothers would grow AT LEAST one extra fully functional set of arms, hands, and eyes with each birth. Possibly an extra leg or something, but I'm not too picky about the other appendages. Case closed.)
FINALLY, after my alarm goes off that says we should be in Washington (ohhhh, the irony) I get up to the ticket counter. Because we lived about 100 miles away, we got a hotel voucher for the night. We also got a $32.00 food voucher for the airport for the next day and the option to take a 10:05 flight the next morning with three stops or a 6:00 flight that wouldn't get there until nearly midnight. Remember how I spent all that money on dinner because I figured even if we were delayed for a few hours we would be fine. Yeah.... So I chose the 10:05, wanting to get the heck out of there as soon as possible even though it meant we would go from Sacramento-->San Jose---->Seattles---->Spokane. We also got bumped up to first class on the longest leg of the trip, from San Jose to Seattle. I pointed to the sea of suitcases and car seats that were nearly all mine and said, "Look at me. Look at all this. There's no way I can get it all by myself." So someone stacked all the bags on a cart thingie and helped me to the hotel shuttle. When we were on the way there, that's when I had that conversation about knowing you're with The One with a woman who couldn't have been that much older than me and was in a similar position as far as divorces, new relationships, and children go, AND she lives in Couer d'Alene, which is where Vernon and I got married.
A MILLION YEARS LATER, we were getting settled into our room at Hawthorne Suites, which is actually a really nice hotel that I pretty much detested simply by virtue of the fact that I was there. There was one saving grace, though.....Pepsi in the vending machine in a world of Coke. It only took us about half an hour to find the vending machines, which of course when the woman behind the desk pointed to the hallway, I did NOT see it right after you turned but instead led my girls through hallways, back outside, back inside on a wild goose chase for something we should have found in less than 30 seconds.
Faith had calmed down after a good half an hour of uncontrollable sobbing while we were in line at the airport. I was on the verge of bursting into tears of frustration at the very least that whole time and kept telling her to please stop crying because it wasn't going to help anything, unless maybe she wanted to direct those tears to the ticket agent. It was after 10 by the time we got to the hotel, but I was so glad they were behaving well I let them jump around on the big fluffy ("It's so fluffy I'm gonna die!!" beds for a little while and then take a bath before insisting that they really needed to get to bed because we had to get up early the next morning. I got up and showered, which was basically pointless because all I had to wear were my pajamas and what I had been wearing the day before, but I couldn't stand not having clean hair, and then got the girls up at about 6:45 and rushed them downstairs for the hotel's continental breakfast. We only had about 15 minutes to eat and then get back upstairs to get all the bags downstairs - got help with those again, thank goodness - and back in the hotel shuttle. We got there on time and a really nice couple that were on the same flight as us offered to help us get everything checked in and upstairs. THANKFULLY everything went smoothly from there, although let me tell you, it REALLY sucked to have to get off the plane in San Jose and wait for two and a half hours when the very plane we had just gotten off of was continuing onto Spokane - although first class was pretty cool. We had to wait a little longer than scheduled in Seattle because the crew that was going on our plane was coming from another plane, but we only ended up being about 10 minutes behind schedule.
There hadn't been that many people on our flight, so by the time the girls and I got down to baggage claim there was maybe one other person there. I pulled our bags off the belt while we waited for Vernon, who came in right after I got the last one off. This time and last time that I've visited, when I've had to check bags, he took me by suprise by coming in while I was getting luggage or taking care of the girls or something that had my attention so that when he walked in and was suddenly right next to me, it just took my breath away. There are few feelings I've had and moments I've experienced that were as good as that "this is my husband and I'm finally here with him" feeilng. =)
I feel like a different person now that I'm here. Or maybe not different, but like I've had so much of my bad habits and feelings filtered out of me just by being here. My husband brings out the best in me. He's exactly what I always wanted and needed and never thought I would find. A year ago I could not have imagined a life this richly blessed, this uncomplicated and happy. I've always been grateful for Faith and London, and they have always been the two brights spots and reasons to keep going, but we had a hard road ahead of us that no little girl, no person really, but especially no child should have to deal with. Now, nothing may ever be perfect since life never is, but it's sure closer than anything I've ever experienced before. I've only been here for four days and already it feels more like home than anything else in my adult life.
So here I am, only on the computer now that stuff has been cleaned - which now, would you believe, I actually LIKE doing?! - with London asleep on the couch, Vernon getting off work in a few minutes, and Faith will be home from her first day of her new school, on a big bus all by herself, in about an hour.....and I take it back. Sometimes life is perfect.
=)
When we decided to get married, we knew we would have to spend some time apart while I finished my MJC class at the beginning of December since even though the class was online, the final was on campus. My final was on December 17th, and at first we decided that Vernon would drive down on January 8th because it was the first weekend after Christmas that he could come down. After a few weeks of being away from my husband, though, I knew there was no way I could wait that long to be with him. So, the next plan was that Faith, London, and I would drive up the day after Christmas - but after looking at the weather and thinking logically about making a drive like that by myself with two little girls in completely unfamiliar weather, we went back to Vernon driving down on the 8th. Our plans bounced around like that until I started looking at plane tickets and prices to just fly up there and mail stuff or SOMETHING so that we could be together sooner. Because Faith, London, and I had each gotten $150 discounts on future flights because of the 5-hour delay we experienced the last time we flew up here, I discovered that we could get one-way tickets essentially for free - we just had to pay for the taxes (which was only like $10 a ticket, which is pretty cool but soon confirmed the old adage that you get what you pay for). So FINALLY we decided that the girls and I would fly up on the 30th and bring as much of our stuff in suitcases that we reasonably could - which amounted to 3 carry-ons and 4 suitcases - and Vernon would fly down and drive the car back up.
Imagine my excitement at finally being able to be with my husband, to get out of the limbo I was living in where my home, technically, was 1,000 miles away, and I was married but not living anywhere near my husband. Weird, weird, weird. I've always been a wait-until-the-last-minute kind of person, and packing was no exception - although it meant that pathetic though it may be, the fact that I had very little of my own posessions came in handy in this case. My friend Carri, who is a master packer, helped me get everything together and within just a few days everything but a few big pieces of furniture were either in suitcases or in the car (2001 Pontiac Aztek, which contrary to what Time magazine claims is NOT one of the ugliest cars ever made, thankyouverymuch). That thing is packed to the gills, let me tell you.
So, Thursday arrives and with it all the anticipation of finally being with the man I love, having a month of long-distance marriage for what I perceived as a totally unacceptable reason (solely online classes used to have their finals online as well, which would have meant not being apart at all, but noooooo, I had to pick one whose final was on campus) be over. Our flight didn't leave until 7:15 in the evening, so we had all day to make sure we had everything together and say our final goodbyes. We stopped by my brother's work and my sister-in-law's house, then met up with Rachel (stepsister) and her daughter, who were on the way home from the Sacramento airport after dropping off my other stepsister, and then made it to the airport exactly on time. We parked right across from the Alaska/Horizon entrance and hauled everything in - which was interesting but mom and I managed with Faith dragging her car seat by its strap. lol - got our bags checked (did I mention that was 4 suitcases AND 2 car seats?) and said goodbye to my mom.....it's the goodbyes that were the only thing about this move that made me sad.
Finally checked in at the airport, I slung a carry-on over each shoulder, carried one huge bag in my hand and piled on the jackets wherever I could - I thought I was as well prepared as I could be for possible delays and definite freezing cold weather. We got upstairs and got some dinner - I figured we would be okay since even though airport food is expensive, even if we were delayed for a few hours our stomachs would be full and we could manage until we got there since we had a direct flight from Sacramento to Spokane - another thing I was excited about, since we usually had to stop in San Jose before continuing onto Spokane. My stepdad had called to let me know that my stepsister's flight to Portland had been delayed and that I should check on mine, which was right on schedule whenever I checked it. I was still pretty much expecting a delay since apparently that's just my luck (little did I know....)so I was ticked off but unsuprised when our flight was delayed slighly. We were supposed to leave at 7:15, which turned into 8:03.....then close to 9....and the next announcement was, "Ladies and gentleman, we apologize but flight 2142 has been cancelled. Please proceed to the ticket counter to make alternate arrangements." WHAT??!! Not even a several hour delay, no other plane, no anything- just no flight. Nothing.
I called Vernon first, of course, who thought I was joking and going to say "Haha, just kidding! I'm on the plane, I'll see you in two hours!" After like the third time he asked me if I was joking I said, "NO, I am NOT JOKING!" and I heard him say in the background, "She's not joking." I held it together while I was on the phone with him and then called my mom and cried, "I don't know what to do!" The only thing I could do was sling those bags over my shoulders again and lead two children - one distraught (Faith, who was crying "I want to go to Vernon's house!" which just made me cry because there was no way for us to get there that night), one pretty much just going with the flow but wanting to run all over the place. Again I wondered why I would get a flight that was so close to bedtime....oh, that's right! Because it was supposed to be a DIRECT FLIGHT.
We waited in a line that seemed to go on forever - we must have stood there for an hour at least. I could overhear that there were no flights on any airlines that went to Spokane that night, or even anywhere near Spokane. They were all gone and nothing was going out until the morning - that was depressing enough, but then they started unloading our luggage on the floor next to the line - they so very graciously gave it all back to us, and as the line dwindled and people picked up their bags there was still quite a spread of suitcases and car seats - and all but TWO of those items belonged to me. So there I was, standing in this ridiculous line with a one bawler, one runner, two sore shoulders, and no hands. (Which I think proves that the theory of evolution is crap, because if we all evolved from stuff like the theory claims, mothers would grow AT LEAST one extra fully functional set of arms, hands, and eyes with each birth. Possibly an extra leg or something, but I'm not too picky about the other appendages. Case closed.)
FINALLY, after my alarm goes off that says we should be in Washington (ohhhh, the irony) I get up to the ticket counter. Because we lived about 100 miles away, we got a hotel voucher for the night. We also got a $32.00 food voucher for the airport for the next day and the option to take a 10:05 flight the next morning with three stops or a 6:00 flight that wouldn't get there until nearly midnight. Remember how I spent all that money on dinner because I figured even if we were delayed for a few hours we would be fine. Yeah.... So I chose the 10:05, wanting to get the heck out of there as soon as possible even though it meant we would go from Sacramento-->San Jose---->Seattles---->Spokane. We also got bumped up to first class on the longest leg of the trip, from San Jose to Seattle. I pointed to the sea of suitcases and car seats that were nearly all mine and said, "Look at me. Look at all this. There's no way I can get it all by myself." So someone stacked all the bags on a cart thingie and helped me to the hotel shuttle. When we were on the way there, that's when I had that conversation about knowing you're with The One with a woman who couldn't have been that much older than me and was in a similar position as far as divorces, new relationships, and children go, AND she lives in Couer d'Alene, which is where Vernon and I got married.
A MILLION YEARS LATER, we were getting settled into our room at Hawthorne Suites, which is actually a really nice hotel that I pretty much detested simply by virtue of the fact that I was there. There was one saving grace, though.....Pepsi in the vending machine in a world of Coke. It only took us about half an hour to find the vending machines, which of course when the woman behind the desk pointed to the hallway, I did NOT see it right after you turned but instead led my girls through hallways, back outside, back inside on a wild goose chase for something we should have found in less than 30 seconds.
Faith had calmed down after a good half an hour of uncontrollable sobbing while we were in line at the airport. I was on the verge of bursting into tears of frustration at the very least that whole time and kept telling her to please stop crying because it wasn't going to help anything, unless maybe she wanted to direct those tears to the ticket agent. It was after 10 by the time we got to the hotel, but I was so glad they were behaving well I let them jump around on the big fluffy ("It's so fluffy I'm gonna die!!" beds for a little while and then take a bath before insisting that they really needed to get to bed because we had to get up early the next morning. I got up and showered, which was basically pointless because all I had to wear were my pajamas and what I had been wearing the day before, but I couldn't stand not having clean hair, and then got the girls up at about 6:45 and rushed them downstairs for the hotel's continental breakfast. We only had about 15 minutes to eat and then get back upstairs to get all the bags downstairs - got help with those again, thank goodness - and back in the hotel shuttle. We got there on time and a really nice couple that were on the same flight as us offered to help us get everything checked in and upstairs. THANKFULLY everything went smoothly from there, although let me tell you, it REALLY sucked to have to get off the plane in San Jose and wait for two and a half hours when the very plane we had just gotten off of was continuing onto Spokane - although first class was pretty cool. We had to wait a little longer than scheduled in Seattle because the crew that was going on our plane was coming from another plane, but we only ended up being about 10 minutes behind schedule.
There hadn't been that many people on our flight, so by the time the girls and I got down to baggage claim there was maybe one other person there. I pulled our bags off the belt while we waited for Vernon, who came in right after I got the last one off. This time and last time that I've visited, when I've had to check bags, he took me by suprise by coming in while I was getting luggage or taking care of the girls or something that had my attention so that when he walked in and was suddenly right next to me, it just took my breath away. There are few feelings I've had and moments I've experienced that were as good as that "this is my husband and I'm finally here with him" feeilng. =)
I feel like a different person now that I'm here. Or maybe not different, but like I've had so much of my bad habits and feelings filtered out of me just by being here. My husband brings out the best in me. He's exactly what I always wanted and needed and never thought I would find. A year ago I could not have imagined a life this richly blessed, this uncomplicated and happy. I've always been grateful for Faith and London, and they have always been the two brights spots and reasons to keep going, but we had a hard road ahead of us that no little girl, no person really, but especially no child should have to deal with. Now, nothing may ever be perfect since life never is, but it's sure closer than anything I've ever experienced before. I've only been here for four days and already it feels more like home than anything else in my adult life.
So here I am, only on the computer now that stuff has been cleaned - which now, would you believe, I actually LIKE doing?! - with London asleep on the couch, Vernon getting off work in a few minutes, and Faith will be home from her first day of her new school, on a big bus all by herself, in about an hour.....and I take it back. Sometimes life is perfect.
=)
Friday, December 17, 2010
Alrighty, first post from my phone.....this thing is so awesome. :-) There'a a lot going on right now with moving a week from Sunday, but it's been a while since I wrote anything, and it's a good way to release some of this stress. The girls and I are leaving the day after Christmas, weather permitting, and there's been a lot to figure out to get to that day. I just can't wait until it's all done and I'm with my husband! What a great lead-in......;-)
Three things I'm grateful for:
1. Three weeks ago exactly my family went from three to seven. Now I have an amazing man for a husband, and three great stepkids. :-) I don't think being grateful for all that needs any explanation!
2. It even sounds weird to me, but I'm grateful for all the experiences I've had thus far that have led me to where I am right now. A year ago I couldn't see how I could ever feel like that, but if everything hadn't happened exactly the way it did, I wouldn't be where I am. It was such an easy thing to say when the worst thing that had happened to me was having a boyfriend that didn't really treat me right, but now that statement means a lot more. I've been through abuse of every kind and infidelity and done plenty of things that I deeply regret, but after having gone through it all I'm stronger, and I know myself better. I'm more confident in everything. I still have things to improve on, but I know I'm better for all the bad experiences that led me to a place where I could finally be myself and be open to real love.
3. I'm grateful to have found such a good friend in my brother. I'm really going to miss him.
Three things I need to work on:
1. I stress out way too easily about way too many things. The last couple of weeks have been ridiculous trying to get ready for this move. I was totally laid back out the wedding, and once it was over it was like my brain went into worry overdrive.....and worrying constantly is no way to live!
2. It's time to cut out the pepsi FOR GOOD. It costs too much money and I have bad teeth. :-/ I just need to suck it up and deal with the migraine that accompanies a lack of caffeine.
3. Be a better friend. There are a lot of things I could say about ways I could improve all my relationships. I just want to always keep in mind that I should always be growing and learning and bettering myself, not for my own benefit but so I can help others.
It's a pain typing all this on my phone, so j just want go leave with one last thought.....I'm SO happy - genuinely happy, for the first time that I can remember in so long. I know that life is never perfect, but now that I've found Vernon and we're about to start building a life together with all of our kids - 5! :-) - I know true love and happiness.
Three things I'm grateful for:
1. Three weeks ago exactly my family went from three to seven. Now I have an amazing man for a husband, and three great stepkids. :-) I don't think being grateful for all that needs any explanation!
2. It even sounds weird to me, but I'm grateful for all the experiences I've had thus far that have led me to where I am right now. A year ago I couldn't see how I could ever feel like that, but if everything hadn't happened exactly the way it did, I wouldn't be where I am. It was such an easy thing to say when the worst thing that had happened to me was having a boyfriend that didn't really treat me right, but now that statement means a lot more. I've been through abuse of every kind and infidelity and done plenty of things that I deeply regret, but after having gone through it all I'm stronger, and I know myself better. I'm more confident in everything. I still have things to improve on, but I know I'm better for all the bad experiences that led me to a place where I could finally be myself and be open to real love.
3. I'm grateful to have found such a good friend in my brother. I'm really going to miss him.
Three things I need to work on:
1. I stress out way too easily about way too many things. The last couple of weeks have been ridiculous trying to get ready for this move. I was totally laid back out the wedding, and once it was over it was like my brain went into worry overdrive.....and worrying constantly is no way to live!
2. It's time to cut out the pepsi FOR GOOD. It costs too much money and I have bad teeth. :-/ I just need to suck it up and deal with the migraine that accompanies a lack of caffeine.
3. Be a better friend. There are a lot of things I could say about ways I could improve all my relationships. I just want to always keep in mind that I should always be growing and learning and bettering myself, not for my own benefit but so I can help others.
It's a pain typing all this on my phone, so j just want go leave with one last thought.....I'm SO happy - genuinely happy, for the first time that I can remember in so long. I know that life is never perfect, but now that I've found Vernon and we're about to start building a life together with all of our kids - 5! :-) - I know true love and happiness.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Quick Thanks & Prayer!
I only have a few minutes, so today's entry has to be fast. I'm planning on being at the school by 11 to put in some volunteer time, then in between finishing that and when Faith gets out of school, I have to go over to Spencer's to print out some more math chapters since he has my printer. So let's see if I can finish this today instead of leaving it for a month! lol
Today's 3 things I'm grateful for:
1. This awesome weather. It's been beautiful around here lately!
2. Finally losing baby weight! It's been a long process, but I am so close to where I want to be and I feel so much better about myself.
3. My church family. There are so many wonderful people there who are friendly and encouraging, and lately in particular I always look forward to going to church to not only worship God, but to be around my fellow Christians.
And the 3 things I need to work on:
1. I can be so quick to get irritated by things, and the fact that it is such a natural gut reaction irritates me even more. Grrr.....that doesn't help. lol
2. I hate it when people are judgemental, but I am pretty judgemental myself. I'm usually able to stop myself and I know that we all need to treat each other kindly and realize that God made and loves each one of us.....but sometimes I just can't see anything good about certain people.....bless their heart. lol (Joke from the Ladies' Retreat.) And sometimes even though I love people to death, I see their faults too often. AND I'm too judgemental towards myself! I'm an equal opportunity judger.
3. I have the hardest time saying no to people! I REALLY need to change that.
Today's 3 things I'm grateful for:
1. This awesome weather. It's been beautiful around here lately!
2. Finally losing baby weight! It's been a long process, but I am so close to where I want to be and I feel so much better about myself.
3. My church family. There are so many wonderful people there who are friendly and encouraging, and lately in particular I always look forward to going to church to not only worship God, but to be around my fellow Christians.
And the 3 things I need to work on:
1. I can be so quick to get irritated by things, and the fact that it is such a natural gut reaction irritates me even more. Grrr.....that doesn't help. lol
2. I hate it when people are judgemental, but I am pretty judgemental myself. I'm usually able to stop myself and I know that we all need to treat each other kindly and realize that God made and loves each one of us.....but sometimes I just can't see anything good about certain people.....bless their heart. lol (Joke from the Ladies' Retreat.) And sometimes even though I love people to death, I see their faults too often. AND I'm too judgemental towards myself! I'm an equal opportunity judger.
3. I have the hardest time saying no to people! I REALLY need to change that.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
A Day Late
Ok, so I was working on this blog about two seconds ago and was on my second thing I'm grateful for, and London pressed a button and erased it all. Ah, children! =) This is the third day since I officially started my "gratitude and prayer" entries, and already I've dropped the ball! lol I used to blog pretty much every day, and now I hardly ever do it. Without further ado, here are the three things I'm grateful for today (and hopefully London won't erase it this time!):
1. This moment, right here, right now. I'm happy! And it's about time. I just realized that London and I were both sitting here playing with our hair. lol Like mother, like daughter! I love my girls. =) Right now London and I are sitting on the couch, and she's watching one of the slightly less annoying kids shows while I blog. I have half of my headphones on so I can listen to music and talk to her at the same time, and am replaying the same ten songs over and over, and while I love them with a passion overflowing into obsession right now, next week I will probably like them significantly less if I continue to play them like this. lol Either way, right now I think that life is good and getting better all the time. The future's so bright, I gotta put my shades on . ;)And again, it's about time!
2. I'm grateful for my daughter's school and everyone that works there, everyone who contributes to the wonderful environment there and the Christian education they're getting. Faith has been going there for two years and though there have been days that she's been tired and sluggish to get ready, there hasn't been a day that she hasn't been excited for school. She loves everyone there, and I'm so grateful that she is seeing such good examples of Christian men and women when she is away from me all day. I think raising a child is often a joint effort with many people your child comes in contact with since everyone has an influence, and this is exactly the kind of influence I want her to have when she's away from me. In addition to that aspect of it, she's also learning so much! She comes home with equal knowledge of numbers, letters, and Bible. I love it!
3. Music! I listen to music every chance I get. I have such a wide variety of musical interests - I'm listening to Better Than Ezra right now, and I have artists like LeAnn Rimes, Eminem, Enrique Iglesias, FeFe Dobson, The Four Tops, Dierks Bentley (just to name a few. lol) on the playlist that I listen to most often. I can apply some song to every situation or person in my life that's close to my heart. If my life was a movie, there are a thousand songs you could use as background music. There are some songs that really speak to me, but even if it's just a fun song I love, love, LOVE to listen to music. =)
And now for the ever-present flaws...here are the three things I feel I need to work on:
1. I am fickle. I am high-maintenance when it comes to maintaining my interest in something. It can be done, but sometimes it takes more effort than people are willing to put in, and that's definitely something that I need to work on.
2. I gossip way too much. I've been getting a lot better about getting my mouth shut about things and keeping confidences (inclduing my own! lol)but there's always room for improvement.
3. I don't fight fair. It's something else that I've gotten a lot better about, because in the past I used to fight (verbally, I've never been in a physical fight, unless you count one stupid scratching match in 2nd grade) in a way that was so nasty it was intended to prevent the person I was fighting with from even being able to reply. I fought to cut the other person down as far as I could, and looking back at those situations, I'm ashamed of how I acted and the things that I said. Now I think a lot more about how I'm going to respond to something, but the instinct to fight back and fight hard can often rear it's ugly head, and that's what I'd like to elimate now - the desire, on any level, to fight back like that.
Well, it's time for a shower! Now we'll see if I can continue this tomorrow. =)
1. This moment, right here, right now. I'm happy! And it's about time. I just realized that London and I were both sitting here playing with our hair. lol Like mother, like daughter! I love my girls. =) Right now London and I are sitting on the couch, and she's watching one of the slightly less annoying kids shows while I blog. I have half of my headphones on so I can listen to music and talk to her at the same time, and am replaying the same ten songs over and over, and while I love them with a passion overflowing into obsession right now, next week I will probably like them significantly less if I continue to play them like this. lol Either way, right now I think that life is good and getting better all the time. The future's so bright, I gotta put my shades on . ;)And again, it's about time!
2. I'm grateful for my daughter's school and everyone that works there, everyone who contributes to the wonderful environment there and the Christian education they're getting. Faith has been going there for two years and though there have been days that she's been tired and sluggish to get ready, there hasn't been a day that she hasn't been excited for school. She loves everyone there, and I'm so grateful that she is seeing such good examples of Christian men and women when she is away from me all day. I think raising a child is often a joint effort with many people your child comes in contact with since everyone has an influence, and this is exactly the kind of influence I want her to have when she's away from me. In addition to that aspect of it, she's also learning so much! She comes home with equal knowledge of numbers, letters, and Bible. I love it!
3. Music! I listen to music every chance I get. I have such a wide variety of musical interests - I'm listening to Better Than Ezra right now, and I have artists like LeAnn Rimes, Eminem, Enrique Iglesias, FeFe Dobson, The Four Tops, Dierks Bentley (just to name a few. lol) on the playlist that I listen to most often. I can apply some song to every situation or person in my life that's close to my heart. If my life was a movie, there are a thousand songs you could use as background music. There are some songs that really speak to me, but even if it's just a fun song I love, love, LOVE to listen to music. =)
And now for the ever-present flaws...here are the three things I feel I need to work on:
1. I am fickle. I am high-maintenance when it comes to maintaining my interest in something. It can be done, but sometimes it takes more effort than people are willing to put in, and that's definitely something that I need to work on.
2. I gossip way too much. I've been getting a lot better about getting my mouth shut about things and keeping confidences (inclduing my own! lol)but there's always room for improvement.
3. I don't fight fair. It's something else that I've gotten a lot better about, because in the past I used to fight (verbally, I've never been in a physical fight, unless you count one stupid scratching match in 2nd grade) in a way that was so nasty it was intended to prevent the person I was fighting with from even being able to reply. I fought to cut the other person down as far as I could, and looking back at those situations, I'm ashamed of how I acted and the things that I said. Now I think a lot more about how I'm going to respond to something, but the instinct to fight back and fight hard can often rear it's ugly head, and that's what I'd like to elimate now - the desire, on any level, to fight back like that.
Well, it's time for a shower! Now we'll see if I can continue this tomorrow. =)
Saturday, August 21, 2010
My Gratitude & Prayer (1)
My best friend Cori recently started a "gratitude and prayer" journal. The idea is to write down three things you're grateful for and three things you need to work on every day. A couple of lifetimes ago (in other words, about seven years ago) I used to do something similar on my blog. If I remember correctly, my practice back then was to write down five things every day that I was grateful for, or five things about that day that were good. For a while I was pretty good about keeping up with that blog, so hopefully I can get back into the habit! Even though neither of us have written as much as we would like to lately, it's nice to have a best friend who also loves to write. I love that we can inspire each other about what to write and talking to someone else that understands the drive to write things down, the ideas that float about constantly in the head of a writer, and how much easier it is to work through things when you put pen to paper.
But I digress! Here are today's three things that I am grateful for:
1) Of course, more than anything I am grateful for my children. It goes without saying and is always at the top of my gratitude list. For the sake of variety and to challenge myself, I won't list them every day, but they are always number one. =) I could endlessly enumerate the reasons I am grateful for them, not least of which is the bond that is created between mother and child simply by virtue of nature. They are made of the best parts of me, and every day I marvel at them. They are beautiful - though I wouldn't care if they weren't, but I certainly hope for their sakes that they avoid going through an awkward stage like I did when I was younger (and thankfully I don't think they will since they're far prettier than I ever was). What I love the most is their cuddles, their fun personalities, their little voices, and their enthusiasm for everything, to name just a few things. I love how different they are, and how similar. And boy, how different they are - Faith is zombie-like for several minutes in the morning and London wakes up with a smile on her face, ready to jump up and into anything. Faith wants help with things and London's mantra is "I do it on my own!" They both love being read to, going to church, and dancing. They both bring so much light and joy to my life....no matter what else is going on, looking at their sweet faces can make me feel like all is right in the world. My precious children affirm to me the very existence of God - because no one and nothing else could create such miracles.
2) I'm grateful for those that have helped and supported me, particularly over the last year. I've walked a path over the last year that has been extremely difficult more often than not, and without friends and family to encourage and uplift me, it would have made things unbearable. My parents (my mom and stepdad) have taken me in and helped me so much over the last year, and there's no way I could ever adequately repay them for such a kindness. I have friends who have been there for me throughout this whole ordeal, and for that I'm more grateful than i could possibly express. It's not that there are never difficulties in said friendships, but that truly doesn't matter. What really matters is how those conflicts are handled, that we mean enough to each other to work through those things, and that we are there to support each other when the chips are down. I'm so grateful for those people who have helped me through the most difficult periods of my life. Thankfully those really difficult periods are in the past and hopefully will stay there!
3) I'm grateful for second chances. Without them I wouldn't have a new lease on life, I wouldn't have my best friends or the possibilities that lie ahead of me right now, and I wouldn't have the opportunity to move past the mistakes that I've made.
And now for the three things I need to work on. It's hard to cut down the things I'm grateful for to only three, but I think it may be harder to leave what I need to work on at only three. I guess that's a good thing - life is all about growing and learning, so maybe it's better that way. Alrighty, here we go.....
1. I need to get a job. The search for one has been frustrating to say the least and has made me want to try less, not more. That just isn't an option at this point in my life. I don't want to rely on other people so much in life - I know that we are supposed to "bear one another's burdens", but I want that to be an occasional need rather than a constant one. I'm working on my A.A so that I can put that on my resume and hopefully begin to develop some kind of competitive edge, but at this point I have a H.S. diploma and a gap of 5 1/2 years of not working outside the home....I was barely 20 the last time I had a regular job! It doesn't look good when looking for a job alongide people with recent experience and education. Stupid economy. There's got to be something, and I need to find it.
2. I've gotten so much better about cleaning since living here, but I need to improve on that as well. That one is pretty self-explanatory.
3. I'm pretty feisty, and too quick to take offense to things. The feisty part I'm generally okay with, but I want to continue improving how I REACT to things. The feisty comes out a little too harshly sometimes, I think (and others probably do too) and that's not something I'm content with. I need to be better about making sure I understand what someone is saying before I automatically assume and take offense to something.
I think that's enough of my faults for one day. lol There are plenty more where that came from. I actually started this blog at least a month ago and had written all of the positives, and I'm happy to say that life in general is much more positive than it was even a month ago. Between school and.....stuff....things are looking up. =)
But I digress! Here are today's three things that I am grateful for:
1) Of course, more than anything I am grateful for my children. It goes without saying and is always at the top of my gratitude list. For the sake of variety and to challenge myself, I won't list them every day, but they are always number one. =) I could endlessly enumerate the reasons I am grateful for them, not least of which is the bond that is created between mother and child simply by virtue of nature. They are made of the best parts of me, and every day I marvel at them. They are beautiful - though I wouldn't care if they weren't, but I certainly hope for their sakes that they avoid going through an awkward stage like I did when I was younger (and thankfully I don't think they will since they're far prettier than I ever was). What I love the most is their cuddles, their fun personalities, their little voices, and their enthusiasm for everything, to name just a few things. I love how different they are, and how similar. And boy, how different they are - Faith is zombie-like for several minutes in the morning and London wakes up with a smile on her face, ready to jump up and into anything. Faith wants help with things and London's mantra is "I do it on my own!" They both love being read to, going to church, and dancing. They both bring so much light and joy to my life....no matter what else is going on, looking at their sweet faces can make me feel like all is right in the world. My precious children affirm to me the very existence of God - because no one and nothing else could create such miracles.
2) I'm grateful for those that have helped and supported me, particularly over the last year. I've walked a path over the last year that has been extremely difficult more often than not, and without friends and family to encourage and uplift me, it would have made things unbearable. My parents (my mom and stepdad) have taken me in and helped me so much over the last year, and there's no way I could ever adequately repay them for such a kindness. I have friends who have been there for me throughout this whole ordeal, and for that I'm more grateful than i could possibly express. It's not that there are never difficulties in said friendships, but that truly doesn't matter. What really matters is how those conflicts are handled, that we mean enough to each other to work through those things, and that we are there to support each other when the chips are down. I'm so grateful for those people who have helped me through the most difficult periods of my life. Thankfully those really difficult periods are in the past and hopefully will stay there!
3) I'm grateful for second chances. Without them I wouldn't have a new lease on life, I wouldn't have my best friends or the possibilities that lie ahead of me right now, and I wouldn't have the opportunity to move past the mistakes that I've made.
And now for the three things I need to work on. It's hard to cut down the things I'm grateful for to only three, but I think it may be harder to leave what I need to work on at only three. I guess that's a good thing - life is all about growing and learning, so maybe it's better that way. Alrighty, here we go.....
1. I need to get a job. The search for one has been frustrating to say the least and has made me want to try less, not more. That just isn't an option at this point in my life. I don't want to rely on other people so much in life - I know that we are supposed to "bear one another's burdens", but I want that to be an occasional need rather than a constant one. I'm working on my A.A so that I can put that on my resume and hopefully begin to develop some kind of competitive edge, but at this point I have a H.S. diploma and a gap of 5 1/2 years of not working outside the home....I was barely 20 the last time I had a regular job! It doesn't look good when looking for a job alongide people with recent experience and education. Stupid economy. There's got to be something, and I need to find it.
2. I've gotten so much better about cleaning since living here, but I need to improve on that as well. That one is pretty self-explanatory.
3. I'm pretty feisty, and too quick to take offense to things. The feisty part I'm generally okay with, but I want to continue improving how I REACT to things. The feisty comes out a little too harshly sometimes, I think (and others probably do too) and that's not something I'm content with. I need to be better about making sure I understand what someone is saying before I automatically assume and take offense to something.
I think that's enough of my faults for one day. lol There are plenty more where that came from. I actually started this blog at least a month ago and had written all of the positives, and I'm happy to say that life in general is much more positive than it was even a month ago. Between school and.....stuff....things are looking up. =)
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thermodynamic
Ah, my dear blog, it's been too long.
Many things and nothing at all have happened since I last posted, most notably the theft of my church-owned computer. I've been doing the weekly bulletin for a little over a year now and was provided with a nice laptop in order to do it. I had some trouble with the pickup, which needed a new battery and starter - I brought the girls to Spencer's house and needed to be on my way to work at the HCS fireworks booth.....and the truck wouldn't start. Since the battery was so dead that I couldn't even roll the window up all the way, I took all the stuff I had in there that I thought might attract someone's eye who walked past, realized the windows were rolled down, and had the lack of scruples to go exploring and put it in Spencer's trunk. We hopped in his car real fast and they dropped me off at the booth. I was so distracted by everything I needed to do that day that I didn't realize until I was going to bed that night that I had left everything, including my laptop and everything in its case, in Spencer's trunk. I didn't think it was that big of a deal and figured that I would just get it the next day when I picked up the girls.
Well, the next day brought the trifecta of bad luck. (I think trifecta is generally used for a series of positive events, but I love that word to illustrate a series of three things of any kind.) Two things had already gone majorly wrong that morning - I can't remember now what one of them was, but one of the was that the truck broke down and wouldn't start even after being charged by a kind stranger for a good 15 minutes. After Bob had picked me up from in front of Walgreens and we were on the way to his work to drop him off so I could have the van, Spencer called to tell me that his car had been broken into and one of the things that was stolen was my laptop case. I had the laptop and a TON of papers in there, and the jerk took it all. It wasn't like I had any passwords stored on it, but I had the beginnings of a few stories, a bunch of poems, and some written venting sessions that I really would not want anyone to read. Hopefully this brand of thief was only interested in deleting all of the previous owner's items and using it for himself (or herself?).
On the bright side, I registered for my MJC classes! Life is up in the air in a lot of ways, but I want to be prepared and do something productive. On a whim today I decided to check out my MJC account and make sure everything was in order. I had reapplied a few months ago, thinking that I would be out of the system after not attending any classes last semester. Much to my surprise, I found that not only had I not needed to reapply, but my registration date had passed by more than a month! Since I was technically a recurring student after registering for classes last semester (even though I ended up not attending since I thought we might be moving before the semester was over) my registration date was June 10th! I had been told when I reapplied that my registration date would be August 4th! I feel pretty silly knowing that I could have registered and actually gotten into all the classes I wanted rather than being waitlisted on ALL of them.
As far as the move goes, it's still happening.....at some point. Right now I'm just trying to get my life together. I need a do-over. I guess that's kind of what I'm trying to accomplish. I'll be 26 on Wednesday, and I'm determined to get all the things right this year that I got wrong at 25. There's not much of a difference in that age or my circumstances right now, so that's why it feels like doing everything over. I'm putting more effort into trying to get a job, and I'm signed up for classes this semester (1 math, 1 science, 2 psychology, and a hip hop class - something I've wanted to do for many years. 2 of the classes are online and the rest are on campus.) I will FINALLY have the degree (an A.A. in Behavioral & Social Sciences) that I've been sporadically working towards since I was 18. (Geez.....) Then it's on to a 4-year to get my Bachelors, whether that be a college here or somewhere on the East Coast. That remains to be seen. (Sigh.) My 25th year was consumed by court dates, a divorce, and laziness occasionally bordering on downright sadness. Now, finally, I'm actually DOING some of the things I need to do to accomplish what I want to. This year is going to be different, I know it. I'm going to MAKE it different.
At the risk of sounding like I'm doing something akin to stomping my foot and yelling "But I'm SO mature!", the one thing I wish I could change but, alas, cannot no matter how much I want to is other people's opinions about my life. Sometimes I wonder what it is about me that makes people - and I mean a lot of people - have such a strong opinion about my life and what I'm doing wrong. Here's an example of how prevalent this is: when I was 18, I was working two jobs and taking 13 units at MJC, so slightly more than a full load (that's 12 units). And it was a 5th class instead of, for instance, a math class that is worth 4 units instead of 3. So every day during the week I would go to school, a few days a week go do the secretarial thing at a plumbing company, and every afternoon pick up my charges from school and babysit, then on Saturday I would go to the world's most boring 3 hour philosophy class. One day when I had some free time during the afternoon, I was sitting around with my brother, my sister-in-law and a friend that my brother worked with in their office. My sister-in-law told me how proud she was of me going to school and working two jobs and I waited, expecting a "but" or a "you should". When she didn't say anything else I said something to the effect of "Huh?", so unused to that vocabulary that I wasn't even quite sure what she was saying. She said, "I'm just really proud of you for going to school and working two jobs." A pure, altruistic compliment without any accompanying negative thought. It's not like I've never heard things like that, but they're rare and had usually come from guys with ulterior motives as opposed to someone who was being honest and genuinely cared.
If people stopped pushing and were just genuinely encouraging, I think - no, I know - that they would be surprised at what I could accomplish. They don't seem to realize that their brand of "encouragement" is stifling rather than inspiring. I've been told about by someone about someone else's pushing that "he thinks if he doesn't push you, you won't do anything". It's exhausting. Look, I know I've screwed up in a lot of ways. I know I've made a lot of bad decisions and mistakes and I have a lot of faults. A lot. But I am also a person with hopes and ambitions whose feelings can be hurt by such ill-advised well-meaning intentions. A person who is capable of so much but gets tired of trying when the majority of what I get is pushed down instead of lifted up. I'm trying to rise above other people's opinions and accomplish things regardless, but it's hard to push through those things. I don't to sound like a whiny little baby, but it's the truth. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it's a pretty basic psychological principal.
Sadly, relationships often deteriorate to one degree or another as a result of the struggle between the one who thinks I should live my life a certain way and my resentment at their not being able to accept me for who I am despite the mistakes I've made. Keep in mind that other than the specific quote I mentioned, I'm speaking in generalities here. I have people in mind who do this more than others, but I'm not trying to call anyone out or expose any particular person's behavior as I used to do. I'm embarrassed that I used to do that, and I try not to write like that anymore, despite how tempting it can be to use the gift of a way with words to tear others down when I feel slighted. I have no desire to be that person again.
I read something today that fits my life so well. It's Newton's three laws of thermodynamics, modified by a man named C.P. Snow to be remembered a little easier:
So true.....so true. I especially like number two. You can't go back to who you used to be or the life you used to live, because everything is so fluid. It's constantly changing. Not that I have any desire to be the person I've been at any point in the past (although I wouldn't pass up the opportunity to go back to 17 or 18 and do everything differently, as long as I could still end up with my wonderful daughters). See, even then I don't want to be the person I was or be in the situation I was in. You know what I would do if I could go back to that age? I would be single and figure out who I was, go away to school and live on my own and learn to be independent back then instead of learning slowly over several years and still not quite accomplishing it. What I need people to realize, though, is that in my struggle to gain independence I need love, appreciation, and encouragement. Genuine encouragement, not "you NEED to do this, you need to be this person". I'm tired of being told what I'm capable of - it's just a masked way of saying that someone is disappointed in what you are because they think you could be more, but you're not. I want it to be recognized that despite my faults, (I hope) I'm still a lovable person, a good mother, a good friend, daughter, sister, etc. Who doesn't want to be appreciated? What person doesn't want to hear "I appreciate you for who you are. I love who you are."? I don't think I've ever heard that sentence. It's always been "should" or "can't", negativity and pressure. Pressure may make diamonds, but it also crushes things. I don't want to be crushed under the weight of everyone else's judgments and expectations, and right now I feel that weight on my chest. I want to get it off, and (forgive the cliche) spread my wings and soar.....metaphorically and, actually, literally as well since it's possible that a 747 could carry me 3,000 miles away at some point. Can't soar in a U-Haul, though. lol
I think I'm done for now. It's late and I need to go to bed. I feel a little better having gotten some of this out, but I fear it makes no difference no matter who I say it to. How depressing. Anyway, goodbye for now and I hope it won't be so long next time I post something!
Many things and nothing at all have happened since I last posted, most notably the theft of my church-owned computer. I've been doing the weekly bulletin for a little over a year now and was provided with a nice laptop in order to do it. I had some trouble with the pickup, which needed a new battery and starter - I brought the girls to Spencer's house and needed to be on my way to work at the HCS fireworks booth.....and the truck wouldn't start. Since the battery was so dead that I couldn't even roll the window up all the way, I took all the stuff I had in there that I thought might attract someone's eye who walked past, realized the windows were rolled down, and had the lack of scruples to go exploring and put it in Spencer's trunk. We hopped in his car real fast and they dropped me off at the booth. I was so distracted by everything I needed to do that day that I didn't realize until I was going to bed that night that I had left everything, including my laptop and everything in its case, in Spencer's trunk. I didn't think it was that big of a deal and figured that I would just get it the next day when I picked up the girls.
Well, the next day brought the trifecta of bad luck. (I think trifecta is generally used for a series of positive events, but I love that word to illustrate a series of three things of any kind.) Two things had already gone majorly wrong that morning - I can't remember now what one of them was, but one of the was that the truck broke down and wouldn't start even after being charged by a kind stranger for a good 15 minutes. After Bob had picked me up from in front of Walgreens and we were on the way to his work to drop him off so I could have the van, Spencer called to tell me that his car had been broken into and one of the things that was stolen was my laptop case. I had the laptop and a TON of papers in there, and the jerk took it all. It wasn't like I had any passwords stored on it, but I had the beginnings of a few stories, a bunch of poems, and some written venting sessions that I really would not want anyone to read. Hopefully this brand of thief was only interested in deleting all of the previous owner's items and using it for himself (or herself?).
On the bright side, I registered for my MJC classes! Life is up in the air in a lot of ways, but I want to be prepared and do something productive. On a whim today I decided to check out my MJC account and make sure everything was in order. I had reapplied a few months ago, thinking that I would be out of the system after not attending any classes last semester. Much to my surprise, I found that not only had I not needed to reapply, but my registration date had passed by more than a month! Since I was technically a recurring student after registering for classes last semester (even though I ended up not attending since I thought we might be moving before the semester was over) my registration date was June 10th! I had been told when I reapplied that my registration date would be August 4th! I feel pretty silly knowing that I could have registered and actually gotten into all the classes I wanted rather than being waitlisted on ALL of them.
As far as the move goes, it's still happening.....at some point. Right now I'm just trying to get my life together. I need a do-over. I guess that's kind of what I'm trying to accomplish. I'll be 26 on Wednesday, and I'm determined to get all the things right this year that I got wrong at 25. There's not much of a difference in that age or my circumstances right now, so that's why it feels like doing everything over. I'm putting more effort into trying to get a job, and I'm signed up for classes this semester (1 math, 1 science, 2 psychology, and a hip hop class - something I've wanted to do for many years. 2 of the classes are online and the rest are on campus.) I will FINALLY have the degree (an A.A. in Behavioral & Social Sciences) that I've been sporadically working towards since I was 18. (Geez.....) Then it's on to a 4-year to get my Bachelors, whether that be a college here or somewhere on the East Coast. That remains to be seen. (Sigh.) My 25th year was consumed by court dates, a divorce, and laziness occasionally bordering on downright sadness. Now, finally, I'm actually DOING some of the things I need to do to accomplish what I want to. This year is going to be different, I know it. I'm going to MAKE it different.
At the risk of sounding like I'm doing something akin to stomping my foot and yelling "But I'm SO mature!", the one thing I wish I could change but, alas, cannot no matter how much I want to is other people's opinions about my life. Sometimes I wonder what it is about me that makes people - and I mean a lot of people - have such a strong opinion about my life and what I'm doing wrong. Here's an example of how prevalent this is: when I was 18, I was working two jobs and taking 13 units at MJC, so slightly more than a full load (that's 12 units). And it was a 5th class instead of, for instance, a math class that is worth 4 units instead of 3. So every day during the week I would go to school, a few days a week go do the secretarial thing at a plumbing company, and every afternoon pick up my charges from school and babysit, then on Saturday I would go to the world's most boring 3 hour philosophy class. One day when I had some free time during the afternoon, I was sitting around with my brother, my sister-in-law and a friend that my brother worked with in their office. My sister-in-law told me how proud she was of me going to school and working two jobs and I waited, expecting a "but" or a "you should". When she didn't say anything else I said something to the effect of "Huh?", so unused to that vocabulary that I wasn't even quite sure what she was saying. She said, "I'm just really proud of you for going to school and working two jobs." A pure, altruistic compliment without any accompanying negative thought. It's not like I've never heard things like that, but they're rare and had usually come from guys with ulterior motives as opposed to someone who was being honest and genuinely cared.
If people stopped pushing and were just genuinely encouraging, I think - no, I know - that they would be surprised at what I could accomplish. They don't seem to realize that their brand of "encouragement" is stifling rather than inspiring. I've been told about by someone about someone else's pushing that "he thinks if he doesn't push you, you won't do anything". It's exhausting. Look, I know I've screwed up in a lot of ways. I know I've made a lot of bad decisions and mistakes and I have a lot of faults. A lot. But I am also a person with hopes and ambitions whose feelings can be hurt by such ill-advised well-meaning intentions. A person who is capable of so much but gets tired of trying when the majority of what I get is pushed down instead of lifted up. I'm trying to rise above other people's opinions and accomplish things regardless, but it's hard to push through those things. I don't to sound like a whiny little baby, but it's the truth. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it's a pretty basic psychological principal.
Sadly, relationships often deteriorate to one degree or another as a result of the struggle between the one who thinks I should live my life a certain way and my resentment at their not being able to accept me for who I am despite the mistakes I've made. Keep in mind that other than the specific quote I mentioned, I'm speaking in generalities here. I have people in mind who do this more than others, but I'm not trying to call anyone out or expose any particular person's behavior as I used to do. I'm embarrassed that I used to do that, and I try not to write like that anymore, despite how tempting it can be to use the gift of a way with words to tear others down when I feel slighted. I have no desire to be that person again.
I read something today that fits my life so well. It's Newton's three laws of thermodynamics, modified by a man named C.P. Snow to be remembered a little easier:
1. You cannot win (you cannot get something for nothing, because matter and energy are conserved).
2. You cannot break even (you cannot return to the same energy state, because there is always an increase in disorder).
3. You cannot get out of the game (because absolute zero is unattainable.
So true.....so true. I especially like number two. You can't go back to who you used to be or the life you used to live, because everything is so fluid. It's constantly changing. Not that I have any desire to be the person I've been at any point in the past (although I wouldn't pass up the opportunity to go back to 17 or 18 and do everything differently, as long as I could still end up with my wonderful daughters). See, even then I don't want to be the person I was or be in the situation I was in. You know what I would do if I could go back to that age? I would be single and figure out who I was, go away to school and live on my own and learn to be independent back then instead of learning slowly over several years and still not quite accomplishing it. What I need people to realize, though, is that in my struggle to gain independence I need love, appreciation, and encouragement. Genuine encouragement, not "you NEED to do this, you need to be this person". I'm tired of being told what I'm capable of - it's just a masked way of saying that someone is disappointed in what you are because they think you could be more, but you're not. I want it to be recognized that despite my faults, (I hope) I'm still a lovable person, a good mother, a good friend, daughter, sister, etc. Who doesn't want to be appreciated? What person doesn't want to hear "I appreciate you for who you are. I love who you are."? I don't think I've ever heard that sentence. It's always been "should" or "can't", negativity and pressure. Pressure may make diamonds, but it also crushes things. I don't want to be crushed under the weight of everyone else's judgments and expectations, and right now I feel that weight on my chest. I want to get it off, and (forgive the cliche) spread my wings and soar.....metaphorically and, actually, literally as well since it's possible that a 747 could carry me 3,000 miles away at some point. Can't soar in a U-Haul, though. lol
I think I'm done for now. It's late and I need to go to bed. I feel a little better having gotten some of this out, but I fear it makes no difference no matter who I say it to. How depressing. Anyway, goodbye for now and I hope it won't be so long next time I post something!
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