Alrighty, first post from my phone.....this thing is so awesome. :-) There'a a lot going on right now with moving a week from Sunday, but it's been a while since I wrote anything, and it's a good way to release some of this stress. The girls and I are leaving the day after Christmas, weather permitting, and there's been a lot to figure out to get to that day. I just can't wait until it's all done and I'm with my husband! What a great lead-in......;-)

Three things I'm grateful for:
1. Three weeks ago exactly my family went from three to seven. Now I have an amazing man for a husband, and three great stepkids. :-) I don't think being grateful for all that needs any explanation!

2. It even sounds weird to me, but I'm grateful for all the experiences I've had thus far that have led me to where I am right now. A year ago I couldn't see how I could ever feel like that, but if everything hadn't happened exactly the way it did, I wouldn't be where I am. It was such an easy thing to say when the worst thing that had happened to me was having a boyfriend that didn't really treat me right, but now that statement means a lot more. I've been through abuse of every kind and infidelity and done plenty of things that I deeply regret, but after having gone through it all I'm stronger, and I know myself better. I'm more confident in everything. I still have things to improve on, but I know I'm better for all the bad experiences that led me to a place where I could finally be myself and be open to real love.

3. I'm grateful to have found such a good friend in my brother. I'm really going to miss him.

Three things I need to work on:

1. I stress out way too easily about way too many things. The last couple of weeks have been ridiculous trying to get ready for this move. I was totally laid back out the wedding, and once it was over it was like my brain went into worry overdrive.....and worrying constantly is no way to live!

2. It's time to cut out the pepsi FOR GOOD. It costs too much money and I have bad teeth. :-/ I just need to suck it up and deal with the migraine that accompanies a lack of caffeine.

3. Be a better friend. There are a lot of things I could say about ways I could improve all my relationships. I just want to always keep in mind that I should always be growing and learning and bettering myself, not for my own benefit but so I can help others.

It's a pain typing all this on my phone, so j just want go leave with one last thought.....I'm SO happy - genuinely happy, for the first time that I can remember in so long. I know that life is never perfect, but now that I've found Vernon and we're about to start building a life together with all of our kids - 5! :-) - I know true love and happiness.

Quick Thanks & Prayer!

I only have a few minutes, so today's entry has to be fast. I'm planning on being at the school by 11 to put in some volunteer time, then in between finishing that and when Faith gets out of school, I have to go over to Spencer's to print out some more math chapters since he has my printer. So let's see if I can finish this today instead of leaving it for a month! lol

Today's 3 things I'm grateful for:

1. This awesome weather. It's been beautiful around here lately!

2. Finally losing baby weight! It's been a long process, but I am so close to where I want to be and I feel so much better about myself.

3. My church family. There are so many wonderful people there who are friendly and encouraging, and lately in particular I always look forward to going to church to not only worship God, but to be around my fellow Christians.

And the 3 things I need to work on:

1. I can be so quick to get irritated by things, and the fact that it is such a natural gut reaction irritates me even more. Grrr.....that doesn't help. lol

2. I hate it when people are judgemental, but I am pretty judgemental myself. I'm usually able to stop myself and I know that we all need to treat each other kindly and realize that God made and loves each one of us.....but sometimes I just can't see anything good about certain people.....bless their heart. lol (Joke from the Ladies' Retreat.) And sometimes even though I love people to death, I see their faults too often. AND I'm too judgemental towards myself! I'm an equal opportunity judger.

3. I have the hardest time saying no to people! I REALLY need to change that.

A Day Late

Ok, so I was working on this blog about two seconds ago and was on my second thing I'm grateful for, and London pressed a button and erased it all. Ah, children! =) This is the third day since I officially started my "gratitude and prayer" entries, and already I've dropped the ball! lol I used to blog pretty much every day, and now I hardly ever do it. Without further ado, here are the three things I'm grateful for today (and hopefully London won't erase it this time!):

1. This moment, right here, right now. I'm happy! And it's about time. I just realized that London and I were both sitting here playing with our hair. lol Like mother, like daughter! I love my girls. =) Right now London and I are sitting on the couch, and she's watching one of the slightly less annoying kids shows while I blog. I have half of my headphones on so I can listen to music and talk to her at the same time, and am replaying the same ten songs over and over, and while I love them with a passion overflowing into obsession right now, next week I will probably like them significantly less if I continue to play them like this. lol Either way, right now I think that life is good and getting better all the time. The future's so bright, I gotta put my shades on . ;)And again, it's about time!

2. I'm grateful for my daughter's school and everyone that works there, everyone who contributes to the wonderful environment there and the Christian education they're getting. Faith has been going there for two years and though there have been days that she's been tired and sluggish to get ready, there hasn't been a day that she hasn't been excited for school. She loves everyone there, and I'm so grateful that she is seeing such good examples of Christian men and women when she is away from me all day. I think raising a child is often a joint effort with many people your child comes in contact with since everyone has an influence, and this is exactly the kind of influence I want her to have when she's away from me. In addition to that aspect of it, she's also learning so much! She comes home with equal knowledge of numbers, letters, and Bible. I love it!

3. Music! I listen to music every chance I get. I have such a wide variety of musical interests - I'm listening to Better Than Ezra right now, and I have artists like LeAnn Rimes, Eminem, Enrique Iglesias, FeFe Dobson, The Four Tops, Dierks Bentley (just to name a few. lol) on the playlist that I listen to most often. I can apply some song to every situation or person in my life that's close to my heart. If my life was a movie, there are a thousand songs you could use as background music. There are some songs that really speak to me, but even if it's just a fun song I love, love, LOVE to listen to music. =)

And now for the ever-present flaws...here are the three things I feel I need to work on:

1. I am fickle. I am high-maintenance when it comes to maintaining my interest in something. It can be done, but sometimes it takes more effort than people are willing to put in, and that's definitely something that I need to work on.

2. I gossip way too much. I've been getting a lot better about getting my mouth shut about things and keeping confidences (inclduing my own! lol)but there's always room for improvement.

3. I don't fight fair. It's something else that I've gotten a lot better about, because in the past I used to fight (verbally, I've never been in a physical fight, unless you count one stupid scratching match in 2nd grade) in a way that was so nasty it was intended to prevent the person I was fighting with from even being able to reply. I fought to cut the other person down as far as I could, and looking back at those situations, I'm ashamed of how I acted and the things that I said. Now I think a lot more about how I'm going to respond to something, but the instinct to fight back and fight hard can often rear it's ugly head, and that's what I'd like to elimate now - the desire, on any level, to fight back like that.

Well, it's time for a shower! Now we'll see if I can continue this tomorrow. =)

My Gratitude & Prayer (1)

My best friend Cori recently started a "gratitude and prayer" journal. The idea is to write down three things you're grateful for and three things you need to work on every day. A couple of lifetimes ago (in other words, about seven years ago) I used to do something similar on my blog. If I remember correctly, my practice back then was to write down five things every day that I was grateful for, or five things about that day that were good. For a while I was pretty good about keeping up with that blog, so hopefully I can get back into the habit! Even though neither of us have written as much as we would like to lately, it's nice to have a best friend who also loves to write. I love that we can inspire each other about what to write and talking to someone else that understands the drive to write things down, the ideas that float about constantly in the head of a writer, and how much easier it is to work through things when you put pen to paper.

But I digress! Here are today's three things that I am grateful for:

1) Of course, more than anything I am grateful for my children. It goes without saying and is always at the top of my gratitude list. For the sake of variety and to challenge myself, I won't list them every day, but they are always number one. =) I could endlessly enumerate the reasons I am grateful for them, not least of which is the bond that is created between mother and child simply by virtue of nature. They are made of the best parts of me, and every day I marvel at them. They are beautiful - though I wouldn't care if they weren't, but I certainly hope for their sakes that they avoid going through an awkward stage like I did when I was younger (and thankfully I don't think they will since they're far prettier than I ever was). What I love the most is their cuddles, their fun personalities, their little voices, and their enthusiasm for everything, to name just a few things. I love how different they are, and how similar. And boy, how different they are - Faith is zombie-like for several minutes in the morning and London wakes up with a smile on her face, ready to jump up and into anything. Faith wants help with things and London's mantra is "I do it on my own!" They both love being read to, going to church, and dancing. They both bring so much light and joy to my life....no matter what else is going on, looking at their sweet faces can make me feel like all is right in the world. My precious children affirm to me the very existence of God - because no one and nothing else could create such miracles.

2) I'm grateful for those that have helped and supported me, particularly over the last year. I've walked a path over the last year that has been extremely difficult more often than not, and without friends and family to encourage and uplift me, it would have made things unbearable. My parents (my mom and stepdad) have taken me in and helped me so much over the last year, and there's no way I could ever adequately repay them for such a kindness. I have friends who have been there for me throughout this whole ordeal, and for that I'm more grateful than i could possibly express. It's not that there are never difficulties in said friendships, but that truly doesn't matter. What really matters is how those conflicts are handled, that we mean enough to each other to work through those things, and that we are there to support each other when the chips are down. I'm so grateful for those people who have helped me through the most difficult periods of my life. Thankfully those really difficult periods are in the past and hopefully will stay there!

3) I'm grateful for second chances. Without them I wouldn't have a new lease on life, I wouldn't have my best friends or the possibilities that lie ahead of me right now, and I wouldn't have the opportunity to move past the mistakes that I've made.

And now for the three things I need to work on. It's hard to cut down the things I'm grateful for to only three, but I think it may be harder to leave what I need to work on at only three. I guess that's a good thing - life is all about growing and learning, so maybe it's better that way. Alrighty, here we go.....

1. I need to get a job. The search for one has been frustrating to say the least and has made me want to try less, not more. That just isn't an option at this point in my life. I don't want to rely on other people so much in life - I know that we are supposed to "bear one another's burdens", but I want that to be an occasional need rather than a constant one. I'm working on my A.A so that I can put that on my resume and hopefully begin to develop some kind of competitive edge, but at this point I have a H.S. diploma and a gap of 5 1/2 years of not working outside the home....I was barely 20 the last time I had a regular job! It doesn't look good when looking for a job alongide people with recent experience and education. Stupid economy. There's got to be something, and I need to find it.

2. I've gotten so much better about cleaning since living here, but I need to improve on that as well. That one is pretty self-explanatory.

3. I'm pretty feisty, and too quick to take offense to things. The feisty part I'm generally okay with, but I want to continue improving how I REACT to things. The feisty comes out a little too harshly sometimes, I think (and others probably do too) and that's not something I'm content with. I need to be better about making sure I understand what someone is saying before I automatically assume and take offense to something.

I think that's enough of my faults for one day. lol There are plenty more where that came from. I actually started this blog at least a month ago and had written all of the positives, and I'm happy to say that life in general is much more positive than it was even a month ago. Between school and.....stuff....things are looking up. =)

Thermodynamic

Ah, my dear blog, it's been too long.

Many things and nothing at all have happened since I last posted, most notably the theft of my church-owned computer. I've been doing the weekly bulletin for a little over a year now and was provided with a nice laptop in order to do it. I had some trouble with the pickup, which needed a new battery and starter - I brought the girls to Spencer's house and needed to be on my way to work at the HCS fireworks booth.....and the truck wouldn't start. Since the battery was so dead that I couldn't even roll the window up all the way, I took all the stuff I had in there that I thought might attract someone's eye who walked past, realized the windows were rolled down, and had the lack of scruples to go exploring and put it in Spencer's trunk. We hopped in his car real fast and they dropped me off at the booth. I was so distracted by everything I needed to do that day that I didn't realize until I was going to bed that night that I had left everything, including my laptop and everything in its case, in Spencer's trunk. I didn't think it was that big of a deal and figured that I would just get it the next day when I picked up the girls.

Well, the next day brought the trifecta of bad luck. (I think trifecta is generally used for a series of positive events, but I love that word to illustrate a series of three things of any kind.) Two things had already gone majorly wrong that morning - I can't remember now what one of them was, but one of the was that the truck broke down and wouldn't start even after being charged by a kind stranger for a good 15 minutes. After Bob had picked me up from in front of Walgreens and we were on the way to his work to drop him off so I could have the van, Spencer called to tell me that his car had been broken into and one of the things that was stolen was my laptop case. I had the laptop and a TON of papers in there, and the jerk took it all. It wasn't like I had any passwords stored on it, but I had the beginnings of a few stories, a bunch of poems, and some written venting sessions that I really would not want anyone to read. Hopefully this brand of thief was only interested in deleting all of the previous owner's items and using it for himself (or herself?).

On the bright side, I registered for my MJC classes! Life is up in the air in a lot of ways, but I want to be prepared and do something productive. On a whim today I decided to check out my MJC account and make sure everything was in order. I had reapplied a few months ago, thinking that I would be out of the system after not attending any classes last semester. Much to my surprise, I found that not only had I not needed to reapply, but my registration date had passed by more than a month! Since I was technically a recurring student after registering for classes last semester (even though I ended up not attending since I thought we might be moving before the semester was over) my registration date was June 10th! I had been told when I reapplied that my registration date would be August 4th! I feel pretty silly knowing that I could have registered and actually gotten into all the classes I wanted rather than being waitlisted on ALL of them.

As far as the move goes, it's still happening.....at some point. Right now I'm just trying to get my life together. I need a do-over. I guess that's kind of what I'm trying to accomplish. I'll be 26 on Wednesday, and I'm determined to get all the things right this year that I got wrong at 25. There's not much of a difference in that age or my circumstances right now, so that's why it feels like doing everything over. I'm putting more effort into trying to get a job, and I'm signed up for classes this semester (1 math, 1 science, 2 psychology, and a hip hop class - something I've wanted to do for many years. 2 of the classes are online and the rest are on campus.) I will FINALLY have the degree (an A.A. in Behavioral & Social Sciences) that I've been sporadically working towards since I was 18. (Geez.....) Then it's on to a 4-year to get my Bachelors, whether that be a college here or somewhere on the East Coast. That remains to be seen. (Sigh.) My 25th year was consumed by court dates, a divorce, and laziness occasionally bordering on downright sadness. Now, finally, I'm actually DOING some of the things I need to do to accomplish what I want to. This year is going to be different, I know it. I'm going to MAKE it different.

At the risk of sounding like I'm doing something akin to stomping my foot and yelling "But I'm SO mature!", the one thing I wish I could change but, alas, cannot no matter how much I want to is other people's opinions about my life. Sometimes I wonder what it is about me that makes people - and I mean a lot of people - have such a strong opinion about my life and what I'm doing wrong. Here's an example of how prevalent this is: when I was 18, I was working two jobs and taking 13 units at MJC, so slightly more than a full load (that's 12 units). And it was a 5th class instead of, for instance, a math class that is worth 4 units instead of 3. So every day during the week I would go to school, a few days a week go do the secretarial thing at a plumbing company, and every afternoon pick up my charges from school and babysit, then on Saturday I would go to the world's most boring 3 hour philosophy class. One day when I had some free time during the afternoon, I was sitting around with my brother, my sister-in-law and a friend that my brother worked with in their office. My sister-in-law told me how proud she was of me going to school and working two jobs and I waited, expecting a "but" or a "you should". When she didn't say anything else I said something to the effect of "Huh?", so unused to that vocabulary that I wasn't even quite sure what she was saying. She said, "I'm just really proud of you for going to school and working two jobs." A pure, altruistic compliment without any accompanying negative thought. It's not like I've never heard things like that, but they're rare and had usually come from guys with ulterior motives as opposed to someone who was being honest and genuinely cared.

If people stopped pushing and were just genuinely encouraging, I think - no, I know - that they would be surprised at what I could accomplish. They don't seem to realize that their brand of "encouragement" is stifling rather than inspiring. I've been told about by someone about someone else's pushing that "he thinks if he doesn't push you, you won't do anything". It's exhausting. Look, I know I've screwed up in a lot of ways. I know I've made a lot of bad decisions and mistakes and I have a lot of faults. A lot. But I am also a person with hopes and ambitions whose feelings can be hurt by such ill-advised well-meaning intentions. A person who is capable of so much but gets tired of trying when the majority of what I get is pushed down instead of lifted up. I'm trying to rise above other people's opinions and accomplish things regardless, but it's hard to push through those things. I don't to sound like a whiny little baby, but it's the truth. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it's a pretty basic psychological principal.

Sadly, relationships often deteriorate to one degree or another as a result of the struggle between the one who thinks I should live my life a certain way and my resentment at their not being able to accept me for who I am despite the mistakes I've made. Keep in mind that other than the specific quote I mentioned, I'm speaking in generalities here. I have people in mind who do this more than others, but I'm not trying to call anyone out or expose any particular person's behavior as I used to do. I'm embarrassed that I used to do that, and I try not to write like that anymore, despite how tempting it can be to use the gift of a way with words to tear others down when I feel slighted. I have no desire to be that person again.

I read something today that fits my life so well. It's Newton's three laws of thermodynamics, modified by a man named C.P. Snow to be remembered a little easier:

1. You cannot win (you cannot get something for nothing, because matter and energy are conserved).
2. You cannot break even (you cannot return to the same energy state, because there is always an increase in disorder).
3. You cannot get out of the game (because absolute zero is unattainable.

So true.....so true. I especially like number two. You can't go back to who you used to be or the life you used to live, because everything is so fluid. It's constantly changing. Not that I have any desire to be the person I've been at any point in the past (although I wouldn't pass up the opportunity to go back to 17 or 18 and do everything differently, as long as I could still end up with my wonderful daughters). See, even then I don't want to be the person I was or be in the situation I was in. You know what I would do if I could go back to that age? I would be single and figure out who I was, go away to school and live on my own and learn to be independent back then instead of learning slowly over several years and still not quite accomplishing it. What I need people to realize, though, is that in my struggle to gain independence I need love, appreciation, and encouragement. Genuine encouragement, not "you NEED to do this, you need to be this person". I'm tired of being told what I'm capable of - it's just a masked way of saying that someone is disappointed in what you are because they think you could be more, but you're not. I want it to be recognized that despite my faults, (I hope) I'm still a lovable person, a good mother, a good friend, daughter, sister, etc. Who doesn't want to be appreciated? What person doesn't want to hear "I appreciate you for who you are. I love who you are."? I don't think I've ever heard that sentence. It's always been "should" or "can't", negativity and pressure. Pressure may make diamonds, but it also crushes things. I don't want to be crushed under the weight of everyone else's judgments and expectations, and right now I feel that weight on my chest. I want to get it off, and (forgive the cliche) spread my wings and soar.....metaphorically and, actually, literally as well since it's possible that a 747 could carry me 3,000 miles away at some point. Can't soar in a U-Haul, though. lol

I think I'm done for now. It's late and I need to go to bed. I feel a little better having gotten some of this out, but I fear it makes no difference no matter who I say it to. How depressing. Anyway, goodbye for now and I hope it won't be so long next time I post something!

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

Three or four posts over the last couple of months and already I can't stick to my resolve - I was going to blog every day, mostly about something I read in my daily Bible reading (failed at that too), and not use this blog to complain. I was going to be positive, sunny, inspiring......I suppose you could call it my Quarter Year's Resolutions.

I hate resolutions. So much added pressure. You could start the same diet on January 1st and September 12th (don't ask, it was arbitrary)and break that diet a week later and inevitably feel like you let yourself down far more by breaking your New Years Resolution to lose 10 pounds than some other random diet. Maybe that's why I give into my lack of impluse control so often - why try to deny the fact that failure is inevitable? (Relax, relax, I don't...really... believe that.....)

Can you tell I'm bitter? So much for positivity. So many things have gone wrong lately. So many things had started to go RIGHT, so it makes sense. All my life I have learned to expect that where happiness and contentment abound, disappointment is just around the corner. For every positive influence that encourages you on your way, there will be two scumbags who will try and tell you that you mean nothing, or worse. I've encountered a few of those scumbags lately. Let me tell you, I'm getting pretty tired of it.

I know that a single action is never the answer to a perfect life and that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but I have a feeling that moving will make a lot of these issues go away. Literally. Some of the people here who are irrelevant but unavoidable will be a distant, annoying memory when I'm 3000 miles away. Oh, how the Old Laura cries out now and wants to say exactly who they are.....but no. It's not right to air the wrong committed by others against me when I'm guilty of so much. It's a wonder how anyone accuses/judges anyone else when sin is an unavoidable part of our lives. There's no way to get around it, it's something that we all do. It's the human condition. How dare any of us point out the speck in someone else's eye when we have a plank in our own (to paraphrase the Bible)?

I recently read an interesting book that begins with a dicussion about good and evil. One of the themes of the book is man's struggle between these two things. We are all good, and evil, and the man (or woman) struggling between them. We cry foul when someone says something mean to us, and yet the skeletons in our closets cry out against us. I'm not here to preach or offer a remedy - in fact there is no remedy for sin in this life - merely to speculate on the irony of focusing on other people's sin and the fact that we are all guilty of it.

Now, back to bitterness (isn't it always?). My divorce was final on June 10th. As I read the paper that freed me from my marriage, I felt mostly a sense of elation that it was all over with, that I was free. ("Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!" Too much? Yeah, maybe.)No more court dates, mediation, limbo. It's done. However, there was a small part of me that felt a little sad - I never expected to be in a position where I could say "my ex-husband" or even maybe someday "my first marriage". It makes me feel like a grown-up and a failure at the same time. A grown-up failure. It fits. It is what it is though, and it's better this way.

I'm torn. A public blog is no longer the place I can turn to to express my deepest thoughts and feelings - it never really was the appropriate place to express those things, but I use to do it all the time. Now that I've realized that airing my dirty laundry and the dirty laundry of those I interacted with that way is just plain wrong, I've put a block on myself that I haven't yet found a way through. I haven't said half of what I feel. I don't keep things to myself so much with the people that I'm closest to, but I still feel that block and the straining against it.

I've gotten to the point with everything that's falling apart around me that I don't even WANT to talk about it all. I will say this, though: I’ve been making a list of pros and cons relating to uprooting my life and my children’s lives, moving across the country, and making a go of starting over. So far there are 24 pros and 13 cons. One of the pros accidentally made it on the list twice, written once at least 6 months ago and once today. I’m not counting in twice, of course, but I think this particular thing is pretty important and no small matter that it ended up on the list twice.

I’ll leave you with this, which I think expresses many of my current feelings, once that have been on my mind/heart most in the last 10 months. It’s not meant to be self-pitying or anything. In fact, I didn’t write it to be seen and never expected to show it to anyone, but it seems fitting to share it now. I’m not even sure what to call it since it’s so short and wasn’t meant to be a blog or anything. A memo of the heart? Lol Call it what you will, take it for what it is.

It’s Out There (undated)

“My life is going to be what it is no matter where I am. Constantly reaching for greener grass is only going to continue to breed disappointment.
No. I refuse to accept that. SOMEWHERE, there is SOMETHING, SOME PLACE where I can find some sense of happiness. There is a place where I am wanted, where I am not a burden, where there will not be a lack of obstacles – I know that doesn’t exist – but less obstacles. There must be such a place. I have to find it – for myself, and for my girls. I just have to find it.
I know it’s out there.”

And therein lies the most important key: my girls. Everything I’ve chosen to do is for them. There are many people who may not understand why, who may think that what I believe is the right thing to do is the complete opposite of what I should do (and I respect their right to their opinion, whether or not it mirrors my own), but I share the same goal I think every parent does: that their childhood be better than mine was. Because of choices I made before they were born that goal has started a few steps behind where it should be, but I’m doing my best to change that. I am changing that. And what we’re going to do will make it so. I promise.

I started this blog with a song lyric that expresses how I feel, and I'll end with another one. From Hayley Williams to Miranda Lambert: "If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.....won't take nothing but a memory from the house that built me."

Skip Over Me If You'd Like, It's Not That Interesting.....lol

So much for every day! lol At least I can honestly say that the reason I haven't posted anything is because I haven't been on the computer that much. It's been two weeks since I deleted Facebook, and I've found I don't miss it nearly as much as I expected to. It makes it slightly more difficult to get ahold of people since I don't have Facebook and can't text on my new phone (which I love), but it wasn't so hard to get rid of it after all. Imagine that! Me, not on Facebook all the time and totally okay with it. Don't get me wrong, I do miss the ease of talking to and seeing what was going on with everyone - and yes, playing Farmville - but it just wasn't worth the time that I wasted on it.

This is only going to be a short post because I'm in the middle of sorting through papers, cleaning, and typing things up, but it's been longer than I wanted it to be since I posted, so here I am. I've been pretty good about keeping up with my Bible reading, although I don't always read the scheduled chapters. I have a "Women of Faith" Devotional Bible that has a lot of specific references for verses to go to if you're sad, angry, tempted; if you need peace, strength, that kind of thing. It's really helpful. There was one time, about a year and a half ago, I was really upset and really hurt because of something I had heard someone said about me. (There was a lot more to the surrounding circumstances and the details thereof, but that's what was really bothering me at the moment. I sat down with my devotional Bible and read all the verses under the "if you're angry" section.....and just like that, my anger dissolved. The hurt remained, since unfortunately we can't ever FORGET, but the anger was gone. It's not always that simple, but I really like the section in the back of that particular Bible that I can reference in specific situations. I've looked at it recently and read verses for needing peace, facing temptation, being angry and worried....all kinds of things. I'm also just a few chapters away from finishing Exodus and Luke. I've already finished Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther, Matthew, Mark, and Romans.

The more I read, the less I find I knew! Having been a member of my church for almost 12 years and having read many of these chapters before, a lot of it is familiar - but it's interesting to see what I find that I hadn't caught before, or what seems to be being said in a different sort of voice than I had heard it in before. (Not like in a schizophrenia way - I think you know what I mean. lol)

Part of the process of working towards someday is, I believe, letting go of the past. One of the ways I've done that is that when I got my boxes out of storage last week and found two boxes with loose paper and diaries in them, I took every single one of my diaries and shredded every last page. I don't necessarily think the shredding was necessary to let go of the past - I think the shredding was necessary because my 4-year-old is learning to form sounds into words and will likely be readin soon. Whether they are 5 or 15, my old diaries are not something I want them using for reading material!

I don't have time right now to write down the things I really want to say.....part of me doesn't want to put it all out there (especially since I said there wasn't going to be any complaining on this blog, and I'd like to stick to purely uplifting things) but I know I would feel better if I got it all out. It's nothing too bad, anyway.....so maybe I'll write again soon and write something of more substance. For now, I have a 2-year-old climbing on me that needs love and papers to take care of. =)

"Grandma's Hands"

This was a very moving story. The author is unknown, to me at least.

"Grandma's Hands"

Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands.

When I sat down beside her she didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK.

Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. 'Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking,' she said in a clear voice strong.

'I didn't mean to disturb you, grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK,' I explained to her.

'Have you ever looked at your hands,' she asked. 'I mean really looked at your hands?'

I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down.. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making.

Grandma smiled and related this story:

'Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life.

'They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor.

They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child, my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war.

'They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special.

They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse.

'They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand.

They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer.

'These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of life.

But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of God.'

I will never look at my hands the same again. But I remember God reached out and took my grandma's hands and led her home. When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and husband I think of grandma. I know she has been stroked and caressed and held by the hands of God.

I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel His hands upon my face.

National Honesty Day

"We wake up in the breakdown of the things we never thought we would be...what do you got to move you, darlin'?" - "Here Is Gone", Goo Goo Dolls

Today is full of the desire to inspire, to be inspired. That's my goal here, and not just for today - not to use this as a space to whine and complain about how unfair the hand I've been dealt is as I would have in the past (especially since I realize that life is generally not the result of consequences that you've been randomly dealt, but choices that you've consciously made) but to focus on the positive and the life I'm aspiring towards.

I just finished reading an amazing book called "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge. There's no way I can describe it with my own words, so I'll tell you what it says on the back. It's kind of long to type, but here it goes.

"Every woman was once a little girl. And every little girl holds in her heart her most precious dreams. She longs to be swept up into a romance, to play an irreplacable role in a great adventure, to BE the Beauty of the story. Those desires are far more than child's play. They are the secret to the feminine heart.

And yet - how many women do you know who ever find that life? As the years pass by, the heart of a woman gets pushed aside, wounded, buried. She finds no romance except in novels, no adventure except on television, and she doubts very much that she will ever be the Beauty in any tale.

Most women think they have to settle for a life of efficiency and duty, chores and errands, striving to be the woman they 'ought' to be but often feeling they have failed. Sadly, too many messages for Christian woman add to the pressure. 'Do these ten things, and you will be a godly woman.' The effect has not been good on the feminine soul.

But her heart is still there. Sometimes when she watches a movie, sometimes in the wee hours of the night, her heart begins to speak again. A thirst rises within her to find the life she was meant to live - the life she dreamed of as a little girl.

The message of 'Captivating' is this: Your heart matters more than anything else in all creation. The desires you had as a little girl and the longings you still feel as a woman - they are telling you of the life God created you to live. He offers to come now as the Hero of your story, to rescue your heart and release you to live as a fully alive and feminine woman. A woman who is truly captivating."

The description was enough to pull me in - it relates to that hidden memory in all of us of playing princesses as a little girl, wanting to be rescued - although more often than not when my friends and I played when we were younger, we were doing the rescuing. My childhood best friend and I used to pretend that we were Indian princesses named Miwona (her) and Tallahassee (me) who had to save our people from some evil invader, or that we were orphans who were being held captive in a similar fashion to Cinderella, but we didn't make peace with our fate or wait for someone to rescue us - we just escaped. But that doesn't mean I didn't long, as the book talks about, to be told that I was pretty, worthy, enough.

This book was incredibly uplifting and encouraging - at the end it talks about where we are called to be as Christian women, what we are called to do, and that's a topic I've been pondering lately: exactly which direction God wants me to go in. What His specific purpose is for me, that only I have been created to fill. I think I know where He's leading me, but it's not enough to "think" you know something like that.

One thing I've decided to do with this blog is write about something I've found interesting in my daily Bible reading. I was following a "read the Bible in a year" plan with a friend, but I've decided to deter from it a little bit - the idea was to read a chapter each from two books in the Old and New Testaments every day, with a chapter of Psalms or Proverbs corresponding to the day, like Proverbs 1 on the 1st of the month. It got too confusing, though, reading, for instance, a chapter out of Genesis (which I've been working on for about a month since it's so long. At a chapter a day it's pretty slow going.) and a chapter out of Ezra, then Nehemiah, and I just finished Esther. A lot of books in the Old Testament refer to things that happened in previous books, so I'd rather read a BOOK at a time instead. I'm working on finishing Genesis, Mark, and Romans, and then I'll just stick to a book out of each at one time.

As far as Genesis goes, Joseph's faith has always amazed and encouraged me. All through his brothers plotting to kill him, selling him as a slave, then Potiphar's wife claiming he tried to sleep with her and getting thrown in jail, we never see his faith wavering. And, even though he ends up being a slave and then being imprisoned, everything always works out for him. God's hand is always there, making him overseer in the prison and then overseer of Egypt, over everything but Pharaoh himself.

Joseph's story is a popular one, though. Just about everyone will recognize the reference to his "coat of many colors" - but there are many stories in the Bible that are signficant yet don't get more than a passing mention. In Genesis chapter 34,it tells the (brief) story of Dinah, the daughter of Jacob and Leah.

Genesis 34: 1-4 (NIV)

"Now Dinah the daughter Leah and borne to Jacob went out to visit the women of the land. When Shechem son of Hamor the Hivite, the ruler of that area, saw her, he took her and violated her. His heart was drawn to Dinah daughter of Jacob, and he loved the girl and spoke tenderly to her. And Shechem said to his father Hamor, 'Get me this girl as my wife'."

"Violated" her - raped her? That's what it sounds like. The part about asking Daddy to get her as his wife doesn't really surprise me since there was a lot of bargaining for women back then, and it doesn't say anything anywhere in the chapter about Dinah having feelings for him or willingly having sex with him.

My Bible's commentary says about the entire chapter,

"The name of God ends chapter 33 and begins chapter 35, but it is completely absent from this sordid chapter."

Very fitting, since the rest of the chapter consists of her brothers plotting revenge by convincing Hamor, Shechem, and the rest of the men there to be circumsized, lying and telling them that once they're circumsized, they can intermarry. Then, once the men agree to it and have done it and are lying in pain, Dinah's brothers kill all the men there and plunder their goods. Her brother killed EVERY SINGLE MAN there to avenge their sister's honor.

Raping and pillaging.....yeah, I would say God is pretty absent from those events.

Although, you have to admire a brother who will defend their sister. lol

I found a New Testament in the New Living Translation (which I prefer because it has the same message but is written in a more understandable way) on my paper back swapping site (paperbackswap.com, it's AWESOME - send a book, get a book)so the following passage is from the NLV, Mark 3:20-21:

"One time Jesus entered a house, and the crowds began to gather again. Soon he and his disciples couldn't even find time to eat. When his family heard what was happening, they tried to take him away. 'He's out of his mind,' they said."

It doesn't say just who in the family was there(although in verse 32 it mentions his mother and brothers), but whoever it was it's clear that at least someone in his family didn't know who He really was. I've read through the whole Bible before, several years ago, and never caught that. Members of his own family thought he was out of his mind! Can you imagine? I think it's safe to assume that by the time of his crucifixion his family was convinced, but at this point not all of them were. In that context, it makes sense that in verse 35 he says that anyone who does God's will is his brother and sister and mother, rather than just going out to meet his biological family. I checked different translations to make sure that's what it really meant, and they say the same thing. That's a verse that has stuck in my mind since I read it, and I'm going to look more into it and see what else I can find on the topic.

You may have realized that the title of this blog is "National Honesty Day". My mom has this really cool calendar that has the names of all the days on it - for instance, April 7th was "No Housework Day". A personal favorite, but unfortunately I couldn't celebrate it - I like a clean house too much. =)Seeing that on the calendar got me thinking, if life was like that movie "The Invention of Lying", I think it is, and we couldn't lie - even for just one day - what might we say that we hadn't already said to someone? Would you say it's true that we all harbor some kind of secret?

I don't know, but I would speculate that that's probably true - although I can honestly say that there is NOTHING that at least someone and generally a few someones know about me/my life. I used to be an open book, to a fault. There was nothing I wouldn't talk about. I do still feel that if you're open about your experiences and aren't afraid of people finding out about things you've done, they can't hold it against you - but I no longer feel that EVERYONE is entitled to know EVERYTHING. Ideally we would all live in such a way that we wouldn't do anything we would feel the need to hide - but we're human, are we not?

So, in honor of national honesty day, I offer this question: Is there anything you've been hiding that you want to tell someone?

This blog has taken me a looong time to write since I've been on and off the computer all day working on it. Hopefully I'll be back again tomorrow with at least my thoughts on the day's Bible readings. Have a great night!

New Starts

It's about time I started a new blog, having embarked on a new life the better part of a year ago. This blog is entitled "Working Towards Someday", because that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm living a different life than I expected to, but I'm happy. I'm healing. I have cracks in the exterior, but the foundation is becoming more secure. I'm not there yet, but I'll get there. And I won't spend forever wishing for "someday", because, as the address of my blog says, "someday comes one day". One day it will. I have dreams that are turning into plans. I'm not entirely sure where everything is going to lead me, but I know where it's NOT going to lead me. I'm not going to be the same person I used to be. Selfish, spoiled, childish. Self-centered, prideful. Living one way for so long and finally seeing yourself for who you are and how you need to change is powerful, sobering, and difficult all at the same time. It's also empowering.

I've spent far too long being content in places I shouldn't have been. Some of the changes I'm making now are things like deleting my Facebook page - it's too much of a temptation to me to spend too much time on there, playing Farmville and checking constantly to see what's new. I also want to communicate with the people I care about on a more personal level - get back to phone calls and one-on-one visits. I'm doing a "read the Bible in a year" thing with one of my friends and trying to focus more on strengthening my relationship with God. I want to be the kind of person people want to look up to, not the kind of person who wants to be like someone else.

Life is not what I want it to be quite yet, but I have many, many things to be thankful for. I have a great support system in my friends and family who have helped me out tremendously during the last seven months in various ways. You never think it before it happens, but being broken down beyond what you thought possible is often God's way of showing you what you're capable of and what's important.

That's all for now - in keeping with my desire to spend more time doing more productive things, I hope to update this a couple of times a week, and now it's time to go do some studying and cleaning. Until next time!