What are the odds?

With the odds of something like this happening once, let alone twice, I really need to become a serious lotto player. About five years ago I got Bells Palsy - where one side of your face literally just doesn't work - that lasted about six weeks, a relatively short time for the duration of this particular disease. Now, I have it again - and the odds of that happening are pretty rare, so I figure I better take advantage and play the Washington Powerball. lol After all, it IS up to 200 million, and I wouldn't turn my nose up at that kind of money. :-p

In better news, we have a puppy! We just got her (we think it's a her - when the kids and I were all debating about what she was or what we should name her, I said "since it's in question, why don't we just name her Gaga?") this last Friday. She's a chihuaua, so she won't get a whole lot bigger than she is now, and she is so adorable. She's everyone's puppy, but I'm the one who is home all day and thus feeds her, cleans up after her, bathes her, even lets her sleep with me and gets up at least two or three times a night to have her go to the bathroom or tolerate her spurts of energy at 3 am and 6 am that have her trying to bite my ear, my fingers, whatever she can feasibly reach. It's a lot like having a baby - except she'll never talk back. lol

In even better news, I have a job! It's a part-time summer thing, so I'm still looking for a regular, full-time gig, but this is possibly one of the coolest jobs ever - it's at a big casino a few towns over, and I'll be working in their VIP area for their summer concert series, which means that I get to see a bunch of awesome concerts this summer and get paid for it!! Reba (with Sunny Sweeney, who I also love), Toby Keith, the Steve Miller Band, and the Beach Boys are just a few of the awesome artists I'll get to see this summer. =)

One of the pictures, the one where I'm holding up my elbow, is the remaining battle scars from a quad accident the other weekend. My stepdaughter had friends over and they were running around on the quad and found a gigantic puddle to drive through - even Faith and London were having a blast riding through it, and I decided I wanted to go, too. Jessica's friend was driving, and somehow we hit a patch of something that luckily everyone else had been avoiding, and we tipped over and the quad came down on my side. My hand was bleeding a little when we got back, but it didn't seem all that bad until the next morning when I could barely move my right arm. I had scrapes on the heel of my hand and on my elbow, bruises and scratches all over my body, especially the right side. I couldn't use my right hand until that next Wednesday, I think it was. I'm all for battle scars once they've healed, but while all those injuries were healing, it was pure torture. I had never been so happy in my life to be able to do a sinkful of dishes as I was that Wednesday after three days of not being able to even move my hand.

School will be out for all the older kids next Monday - hard to believe I started dating, got married, and moved out of state all in the span of less than one school year. (Even harder to believe that the dating and getting married part happened in 2 months. lol) Faith and London were going to go visit their biological dad for five weeks beginning the week after school ended, but in order to make it possible for my parents to drive them back here and visit for a few days, we're pushing that back until July 2nd......I am so not looking forward to being away from my kids for that long, but I keep telling myself it was a condiiton of us getting to move up here in the first place, and the end justifies the means. Still.....that won't actually make it any easier.

Well, I think that's it for now. I just had to write something about the things that have been happening recently after finally posting that blog that took me like two months to write. lol

California Love

(I wrote this more than a month ago and figured it's time to just quit adding to it, post it, and start another entry in another two months. lol)

I just looked at the date and realized that it's three months to my birthday - maybe once I hit my 30's I'll get over the shock of my late 20's. lol It's also just a few days since the 5-month mark of mine and V's marriage - my, how the time does fly! Especially the last month, which was spent mostly in California. Faith, London, and I left on April 2nd and drove straight there - yes, I, LJ, possibly the most directionally challenged person I know, actually drove nearly 1,000 miles with nothing but the help of the maps app on my phone. Not only am I severly directionally challenged, I had never driven further than Denair to Sacramento and back on my own, so 1,000 miles was quite the feat in my book. When I showed up at Aryn's house in the Spy Car, she didn't believe me at first that I had driven all that way by myself. lol All I have to say is, thank goodness for GPS - I don't do maps. The drive itself was suprisingly easy, just long - we left here at 7:15 am and got to our first stop in Denair, my brother's house, at 11:00 that night. On the way there we only made three stops for gas and bathroom breaks, so it made for a verrrrry long day. lol

Spencer had the girls for the first week we were there, so that time was extremely rare - no kids at all, (quite a switch from 5 here at home!) complete freedom to come and go as I pleased and do whatever I wanted. I stayed at my brother's the whole time I was there, so we would hang out in the evenings when he got off work, and I saw a couple of friends during the day, cleaned up around the house, went on walks.....pretty normal stuff. The latest I slept in was 7:40 the entire time I was there, and one day I even got up at like 5:30 to sit in on my sister-in-law's class at MJC. =) It was pretty awesome - I must be growing up since that is my defintion of pretty awesome during a week free from responsibility. lol After the first week, my girls were back with me during the day and spending the night with my mom and stepdad every night, so I still had my nights free - another very weird thing, to only have your kids for the day and send them back to Grandma and Grandpa when it's time for bed. (Isn't it usually the other way around? lol)

All in all, I had a wonderful time. There's something awesome about going back to a place you've moved away from, seeing people you don't get to see for months at a time - you can just enjoy the place and the people knowing it's for a short time and not knowing when it will happen again. I definitely created some lasting memories with my goofy family. =)

Eventually it was time to face the reason I was there for so long - a court date with my ex over child support. We were the very last people called up there and had to wait FOUR HOURS and I had to listen to numerous deadbeats trying to justify why their car payments and cruises were more important than helping support their children. When one such person kept saying how he had all these bills he had to pay and couldn't pay that much child support because of all his other bills and the judge responded, "Child support is considered your MOST IMPORTANT bill," I was hopeful. Not so hopeful when I realized that every single person who went up there got their child support lowered. In a couple of cases, it was even dropped to $0 temporarily. The longer I sat there, the more I stressed, and the more angry I got. It just blows my mind how non-custodial parents so often think that their obligation to their children is over because they no longer live with them. I know there are a lot of non-custodial parents who DO provide what their children need, but unfortunately court is a great example of the dregs of society who don't.

When it was my turn to go out in the hall and talk to the D.A., I gave her a brief rundown of the situation, our finances, etc (for instance, a new spouse's income is mentioned but doesn't actually factor into calculations). I had done some research before I left and had been particularly interested in the part of the court's website that essentially says to use caution when asking for a reduction in child support, because if you're spending less time with your kids, you could end up paying more even though you're going in there asking to pay less. So I decided I was going to ask for more - after all, $600 a month is nothing compared to a child's actual expenses. (And it helps even less when you DON'T GET ANY OF IT.) The D.A. seemed supportive of the idea that I had come a long way for this court date and I was going to prove a point if nothing else, though she did warn me, "I just want to make sure you understand that ANYTHING can happen in there. It's all up to the judge, and he could raise it, but he could also lower it or keep it the same." More nerves.

A good three hours after that, it was our turn in front of the judge - who was extremely patient and lenient as far as judges go. Most that I've seen don't just let people go off on unnecessary things for more than a few seconds, but this guy listened to virtually everything anyone wanted to say. The patient part I was okay with, but the lenient part - specifically the lowering everyone else's child support that he saw that day - worried me.

I'm not going to go into all the specifics of our discussion with the judge, but suffice it to say he was not happy AT ALL when he learned of all the money my ex was receiving between his parents and his photography business and still not making any effort to pay child support. I'd like to personally thank my ex, in fact, for purchasing an iPhone the day before court, since I think such an unneccesary luxury while being over $10,000 in arrears on child support definitely helped my case. The more I listened to him lie about how much money he gets and his financial situation and the more I thought about all the luxuries he enjoys while TOTALLY skipping out on child support, the more angry I got. And when I brought up how he receives money for things like cable and internet but doesn't pay child support, the judge turned to him and said, "You're very fortunate that your parents help you out as much as they do - and now you need to turn around and do the same for your children." I think my FAVORITE part though, aside from the final ruling, was when he started going off on personal things and brought up how we had discussed making an agreement between the two of us that would give me 30% - "not of the money I get from my parents, but from my PROFIT", he was quick to point out - of his monthly income - sorry, not income, PROFIT - as if I were the jerk for not agreeing to it, and I just couldn't keep my mouth shut anymore. I'm generally pretty calm and collected when it comes to all this court stuff - I've certainly dealt with enough of it in the past year or so - but when he said that I said something to the effect of, "good thing I didn't, because I REALLY wouldn't see anything then, since I haven't anyway!" And the D.A., who is always so neutral and professional, turned to me and gave me a triumphant "you go girl!" look. It was awesome. =)

The Dissomaster (child support calculator) came up with two figures, both more than he was last ordered to pay, one significantly more so. The judge asked me to pick a figure lower than the higher one that I would be comfortable with, and I threw out $800. I wish I could have seen the look on his face when I asked for more than he was paying, because Aryn, who had patiently waited with me for those four hours, said it was priceless. While the judge was talking to my ex, the D.A. leaned over and asked me if I would be okay with just keeping it at the $600. I thought about it for a second and said, "Actually, I'm really not. I came all this way for this, I want to see it through." The actual AMOUNTS aren't even all that important, but the fact that I had to travel 1,000 and be away from home for three weeks (not that I didn't have an awesome time there, court appearance aside) and all the expense we had to go to for that when he already wasn't paying anything and just wanted to get away with owing less, REALLY ticked me off.

I had planned on leaving on Wednesday, the day after court, but we ended up staying until Saturday. We were all enjoying each other's company so much, and the girls weren't ready to leave - even when we left on Saturday, Faith was crying because she wanted to go back to Bum and Papa. =( There were a few reasons we stayed longer, and one of them was because Aryn invited me to go to Santa Cruz with her and the kids that Friday, which was awesome and just the perfect way to end the trip. Gage and I must have ridden the Giant Dipper six times. It was late when we got back, around 11:30, so I got about four hours of sleep before we headed out the next morning. I wanted to get an early start so I wouldn't be driving for hours at night like I had been on the way to CA and had planned on leaving at 5am. We left at 5:45, so we weren't too far behind schedule, but after so little sleep I was so tired we had to stop a lot more on the way home. And when we got to Highway 14, we stopped for a few minutes to check out Washington's own Stonehenge, which was pretty cool.

Everything previous to this was written nearly a month ago - I can't tell you how many drafts of different blogs I have saved that never see the light of day. I'll be in the middle of one and not be able to finish it and intend to go back to it later.....then, after a month, I sit down to write another blog. lol

I've been back from California for three weeks, and the past two weeks I've been in serious job searching mode. I actually have an interview later today, so we'll see how that goes. Every single morning after the kids leave for school, I sit at the computer and apply for every job I can find. Some days, like today, don't turn up many, but I had a few days last week where I found 10-15 jobs per day to apply to. I'm just hoping that something I'm qualified for turns up soon.

I've been in kind of a funk off and on since returning from California. Just when I was getting used to living here, I left for three weeks and got used to being there, only to come back and have to get used to living here all over again. Don't get me wrong, I missed my husband and my home and everything, it was just weird making all those adjustments to different places. Washington is home now, but I miss my friends and family in California. I was never meant to stay there, though....I had been wanting to move out of state for quite a while before V and I got married. Funny how someplace you've only lived in for a few months can feel more like home than the place you lived for years.

Committed

I'm working on one of the new book ideas I came up with and decided to take a break and write about the past couple of days. Despite what I said before, this idea is actually reminiscent of my own life - I guess there's really no getting around it, is there? We each put SOMETHING of ourselves in everything we write. My main characters always have either qualities I have or want to have. This idea, though, is different from true-to-life things I've written in the past. If I can just keep up with the writing, I think it could turn out pretty good. =)

So on Monday I had my appointment with the admissions counselor at EWU - I felt like I had stepped into a time machine when I found a parking spot and started walking around the imposing campus. I felt the same nerves when I was getting acquainted with MJC, but MJC is much smaller and much easier to navigate than EWU (and I could get myself turned around pretty good on MJC East trying to figure out where I had parked and how to get there from where I was, depending on which building my class was in). Shae, my oldest stepdaughter, does Running Start at EWU, so she had drawn on the map of the campus I printed out and told me where to park and how to get to where I needed to be. I found a spot on what was probably not the exact road she had pointed out - since by the time I made it there, my frayed nerves had made her exact instructions a little blurry. I knew I was in the general area, though, so I set off in the direction I figured I needed to go - which was of course on the opposite corner of where I parked (because it was free to park over there), on the furthest part of the campus. Occasionally I pulled out my map to see if I could tell where I was and if I was going in the right direction, but I've never been good at reading maps OR having any sense of direction, so something like this, by myself, was very nearly an educational suicide mission. When I had made my way to the other side of the campus and there was still no sign of the building I needed, I asked someone walking in my direction where the building was, and I actually wasn't too far from it.

Once inside, I asked the woman at the front desk where the academic counseling office was and she directed me to the third floor. Now, I'm not afraid of elevators like I used to be, but I'll still take the stairs any day over one of those industrial gray boxes. It's different if they are see-through or fancy in some way, but those regular elevators....no thanks. So I hoofed it up the stairs and realized once again when I arrived on the third floor panting like a dog, heart racing, that you don't have to be fat to be out of shape. lol They couldn't find my appointment, though, and come to find out that prospective students usually meet with someone downstairs - so back down those three flights of stairs I went. (Thankfully, down is always easier than up!) It took me far longer to find my way TO the place than it took me to meet with the guy (isn't that always the way it goes?) but the meeting went well, and my best bet is to take the rest of my AA requirements at a junior college since all I need is a college-level math course and a lab science (something that wasn't required at MJC for the degree I was going for), which will be cheaper than taking them at a four-year. After I finish those, I'll automatically be accepted to EWU and can get my BA in Psychology - and I don't know how these things work at other universities, but the EWU brochure points out that the psychology professors there involve their students in their research and publishings, so I really can't wait for that!

Trying to find my way back to my car after the meeting was even more difficult than finding the building in the first place. I was bemoaning my lack of direction when I saw a building I had passed on the way over and congratulated myself for figuring out where I was and that I was headed in the right direction, thinking maybe my sense of direction was unexpectedly improving. About twenty seconds later I realized this was not the case - I had no idea where I was and didn't recognize any of the buildings around me. There had been construction by where I parked and I could see the construction ahead of me, so I figured if I followed that out to the road, I'd be able to easily find where I parked. I had made a point of looking at the street signs right near where I parked and knew that I needed to find Elm and Eerie, and hoped that the street I came out on would be Elm. Luckily, it was - but as I looked up and down the street I realized that nothing looked familiar there either, and I had no idea which direction Eerie was in. I REALLY got lucky - God was watching over this poor, directionless soul. lol - and didn't have to walk far before I could see a street sign that said Eerie and not long after that, the distinctive color of my Gaucmobile. =)(Seriously, I love this car - aside from the fact that it drives well and has lots of room, I never have to worry about losing it in a parking lot! lol)

Yesterday I had the appointment with one of the temp agencies I registered with, where I took five different tests and met with someone to discuss my resume in more detail and talk about what kind of work I'm willing to do. Unfortunately since I haven't worked in 6 years and my job history prior to that is the somewhat spotty history of a teenager who didn't HAVE to work and thus wasn't really invested in many of the jobs I had. There were a few that I enjoyed, but even though two of those lasted nearly a year, I don't even have a job on my resume that lasted a year. And, sadly, when it comes to the real world, 6 years as a Domestic Engineer doesn't count for much. BUT I'm hopeful that I can do some temporary work to start getting my resume built up. Wish me luck - I need it! =)

In the meantime, in between getting prepared for school and submitting as many job applications as I can, wherever I can, I'm working on my writing. As you can see, I'm trying to blog more to, at the very least, even if I don't have much to say, keep the typing skills fresh and the creative juices flowing. Besides the blog, I've got this new idea I just started working on - I've got all the chapters and basic ideas outlined, and yesterday I started working on the first chapter, which is what I'm going to get back to when I'm done with this blog. Before I do that, though, I want to get back to my 3 things since I haven't done that in the past couple of entries - and I'll try to come up with completely new things, since you all already know how grateful I am for my husband and family. =)

1. I'm grateful for the talents God has blessed me with. I often wish that I could sing spectacularly well or play an instrument or something like that, but the fact is I'm really glad I can write. I'm not a bad singer and I've never taken any kind of lessons to even try and learn an instrument, I'm too klutzy to be great at sports (pretty sure walking without running into things and not tripping over yourself are basic requirements for success in most sports), I can't draw.....the list of the things I'm NOT could go on forever, but I am truly grateful for the gifts I have been blessed with. I love being able to evoke emotion with my words and paint a vivid, thought-provoking picture without a canvas. I love that I can bring joy to others with my words - and though I have to be careful of how I use this part of it, I'm sometimes impressed with how I can use my words to defend myself. When used properly, it's extremely effective. Well, it tends to be extremely effective even when used IMproperly, but I try not to do that anymore. The other thing I think I'm really good at is how fast I type, which is something anyone can do with enough practice - that's how I got so good at it - and hopefully I can use to that to my advantage when looking for a job.

2. Material security. We're not rich, but compared to how my ex-husband and I lived, sometimes it feels like it. I don't have to worry about having money for food or electricity or getting evicted, and if I want to pick up the occasionall iTunes card or book or movie or whatever, it's not a big deal. This is something I don't think I'll ever take for granted after the life circumstances of my previous marriage or being a single mother, and I am always grateful for the blessings of God and the unbelievably hard work of my husband that makes this possible.

3. Spring! And the fact that I've survived my first Washington winter without becoming an icicle. lol I never had to drive that much in the snow, thank goodness, because I am NOT a fan - and especially not a fan of backing out of our driveway when it's snowing or has been snowing. Yesterday I had to trudge through the sludge that is our driveway in my nice shoes, almost slipped in the mud right next to my car, and then gun it to back out of the muddy tracks my car sits in - but I can't complain too much, since the roads are fine and I haven't gotten stuck trying to get out of the driveway in a while.

And now for the three things I need to work on, which will hopefully at some point in the near future be things I can say I have conquered:

1. My insecurity about my writing. Too often I let insecurity hold me back when I want to do something but am afraid of failing at it. Nothing ever happens in life when you sit back and wait for something to happen TO you....I've lived it. And I've found that some of the most exhilirating, wonderful things I've experienced have happened when I've let go of my worries - or at the very least not let them stop me from doing something - and just jumped in with both feet, fully committed. Thus my committment to write SOMETHING every day, regardless of how nervous I am at how it might be critiqued or if it might never see the light of a bookstore....I'm just going to do it, and not let the fear of failure or even temporary failure itself keep me from my dreams.

2. My eating habits. I've generally been eating basically nothing for most of the day except for a few small snacks and then finally eating like I should at dinner, and I'd just like to eat healthier in general and start getting some exercise every day, like going for a walk or taking London to the park now that the weather is nicer. Like I thought after I walked up those stairs yesterday, you don't have to be fat to be out of shape, and I'd like to be in good shape in every sense of the term.

3. This is something I'm still working on, but it was something that I REALLY needed to work on in the past and feel like I'm doing pretty well at: cooking. I don't LOVE it yet, but I don't mind it, and that's a pretty big step from how I used to feel about it. lol I hate it when I disagree with someone and turn out to be wrong, but in this case I have to give kudos to everyone who told me that I would like it and be good at it if I would just do it, and they were right (I can feel a chorus of "I told you so's" coming). I've made some pretty cool stuff - chicken costa brava, sweet and sour meatballs, tilapia, French's crunchy onion chicken....all kinds of stuff, and everything I've made has turned out good, which has made me like it more and given me more confidence. I've actually found, against all odds, that I would much rather make an elaborate meal than throw a dinner together that can be assembled in the microwave. Whoulda thunk? ;-)

Back to the grind, into the groove.......you get the idea.

I have been suprisingly productive considering the fact that it's Monday at 11:00 am after a wonderful, relaxing weekend - then again, maybe not. Weekends like that are great for rejuvenation. =) I've put in a couple of job apps already, although I have a lot more hope that my hubby that pull some strings with his contacts than that I will get a job on my own merit. Unless you come across the right person at the right time, your skill set doesn't seem to matter much when what you have to show for the last six years are two beautiful little girls, which the work world tends to look at as a liability rather than a strength. This economy is all wrong - actors and athletes should get paid less, and stay-at-home moms should be the ones rewarded with all that wealth (hey, I can dream! lol)

In addition to doing some job hunting, I have an appointment with a counselor at EWU at 4:00 today to see what I would need to take to finish my degree if I transfer there, and two possible options for community colleges I could attend to finish up the requirements for my AA, and THEN transfer to a four-year. It's so frustrating that I found out in what SHOULD have been my last semester that the math class I was taking no longer counted towards a degree. Also frustrating that at 26 years old I have nothing to show for myself professionally and very little academically, but I have a feeling that's going to turn around here pretty soon. ;-) And besides, what really matters are the things that REALLY mean something, and I am abundantly blessed in those areas.

So back to my wonderful weekend - Jess's friend came over Friday evening and we left around 7:00 and headed to Couer d'Alene, got checked in at the resort and headed straight for the Iron Horse, the restaraunt we went to on our first weekend together that has crab dip that will blow your mind. It was every bit as good as I remembered, unlike most things that you build up in your mind only to be disappointed when it doesn't live up to your memory. We hung around there for a while and listened to the live band, which was pretty good. They did covers of a lot of great songs, so we just sat around watching and laughing at drunk people who were attempting to dance like they were good at it. One such group of people were sitting at the table next to us, and literally the SECOND that V got up to go to the bathroom and was out of sight, two of the guys from that table - one who had already been annoying us - came over to talk to me and try and get me to dance, and as if that weren't bad enough they were both completely plastered and so irritating. I was getting tired of politely telling them "thanks, but no thanks" when V came back from the bathroom and put them in their place. =)

As much fun as it was listening to the band, I didn't want to waste what precious little alone time we had together around a bunch of annoying drunk people regardless of how cool the music was, so we went back to the hotel and [edited for explicit content] (hehe) and went down to one of the lounges in the hotel and watched more drunk people dance, which was even more amusing this time. We came up with names for some of them based on how they were dancing - like a blond woman who looked like she was a cat coughing up a hairball - and were rewarded for our people watching when this one girl who thought she was hot stuff and had been dancing all around and rubbing up on everyone else out there dancing whether she knew them or not totally fell on her butt and embarassed herself - it was AWESOME. lol By the time we went back up to our room, ordered room service and a movie that didn't get watched, it had to have been 4 am by the time we went to sleep. We had to be back home by 2:00 on Saturday so unfortunately there really wasn't time to sleep in, so after a few hours of sleep we got checked out and went to Hudson's, where they have awesome hamburgers and that's about it - they're so famous for them, that's all they need. After we ate we bummed around and looked at a couple of stores - one that had nothing but Irish stuff in it, which was of course greatly appealing to both of us, and then a toy store - I think it was called Figpickle's. =)

After we got home, with the exception of church on Sunday and the potluck right afterwards, all we did was lay around and watch movies. I had never seen the sixth Harry Potter movie or The Three Amigos, which V had been quoting a lot, so we watched those on Saturday and then Grown Ups, which I had seen but he hadn't - it's hilarious. =) Then on Sunday we watched Little Giants - another great movie I had never seen. It was such a relaxing weekend, and we NEVER just sit around and do nothing like that, so it was really nice. =)

This week looks promising thanks to today's appointment at EWU, one tomorrow at a temp agency, and the book idea I'm about to start working on. Funny how time flies when you're so involved in working on something - it's almost noon and I still need to shower and do the dishes, but I need to get some of these ideas out on paper (well, screen) first. I also need to get things situated for California - that will be upon me before I know it, and there are a few things to get prepared for as far as that's concerned. I'll miss home, but it will be nice to see everyone back there after being gone for 3 months. =)

Well, it's time to get on other things - a bunch of things need my attention right now - and I love it that way. I would so much rather be busy and have life be hectic than have nothing to do! Until later. =)

Soooo excited!!

(This pic is from last night, all decked out in our St. Patrick's Day stuff =))
Our night has been rescued! One of my stepdaughter's friends is going to come spend the night with Faith and London so V and I are able to go out tonight after all! We tossed around a few ideas about where to go, like Silver Mountain I think it's called, which I guess is like a big water park - and that would have been fun, but we're not leaving tonight until like 7:00 and we have to be back tomorrow by 2:30, so we decided just to go to Couer d'Alene - where we went our first weekend together, AND where we got married - get a hotel room, go to the restaurant that has that incredible crab dip, and just generally bum around and be able to spend time together ALONE. That's what I'm most excited about - the alone part. lol Ironic how the more children you have, the more time a couple NEEDS to be alone together, and yet the less time you actually have to do it.

Anyway, I'm super excited and I think it's going to be lots of fun, and London is really excited that Holly is coming over - Faith doesn't know yet, but she will be too. When she did cheer camp, Holly was one of the older girls she gravitated towards who seems to love both of them and is always playing games with them, like teaching London how to do "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" which London gives a different name to each time - I think this morning it was "Head, Knees, Knees". =)Speaking of London, she's come up with more verbal gems lately - although it's hard to top the morning she looked at her bagel and said ".....and I will call you TASTY!" - like today when she informed me that you can determine a person's gender by the way they fart. I don't know where she gets this stuff! lol She's quite the little fireball - the OPINIONATED little fireball, just like her Mama. I am so glad to see her and Faith adjusting so well to life here - they have their moments, just like we all do, but they really are doing so good. They are both really excited to go see Bum and Papa in California, though. =)

Well, once again it is London's naptime - the only time I ever really get anything done, at least on the computer - and I need to finish up the dishes and get in the shower. Until next time! =)

What was I writing about again?.......

I'll take the trade any day, don't get me wrong, but being in a healthy relationship sure is stifling my creativity. lol It sounds awful, and I don't know if this is true for other writers, but I write so much better and have so many more ideas when life is tumultuous and unhappy. I've written hundreds of poems and the best ones are always the "about-to-slit-my-wrists" variety (that's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea). I can think of maybe one or two poems out of all the ones I've ever written - in fact, I started writing poetry when I was 11 and have probably written at least a thousand of them, it's just that only about 300 of those had enough merit to bother keeping out of the trash.

I, like everyone else I know, am my own worst critic, ESPECIALLY when it comes to my writing. I'll defend anything else I do to the death - "what, you don't like the way I arranged that? Cleaned that? Cooked that? Well I do, so shut up!" (Depending on who I'm talking to. lol) - but I am hypercritical of my writing, which oddly enough is the one thing I've never heard anything bad about. You could take literally anything else in my life or on my person, things I can help and things I can't, and SOMEONE, at SOME point, or several someones, has had something to criticize me about it, often just for the sake of criticizing it - and yet my writing is the one thing no one has ever ripped apart (to my face anyway....who really knows), so I have to swoop in and find something wrong with all of it.....no wonder I'm a writer. I really do have issues. lol Not that all writers have issues, but it has been said that "writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia", and I find it to be totally true. And that's the problem right now! Normally there are ideas, characters, plots floating around in my head, characters clawing at the surface that won't calm down until I get their words and personalities on paper.....and now I'm like, "where are my voices??"

I have an idea I was starting to work on when the laptop I was using was stolen about a year ago - crazy how the time flies, because it doesn't seem like nearly so long ago that I was working on this story - that I think I'm going to flesh out, at least unless and until I get the inspiration to work on something different. They - again, whoever "they" are - say to write about what you know, and I tend to do that -sometimes too much. The first and only novel I've completed was completely true, every word of it. Names were changed and I played with the words to make it seem like fiction, but it was all true, and that's the last time I want to do something like that. I guess in finishing it, I lost the desire to do it anymore. Which is fine - so since then, I've generally taken a kernel of truth and expanded it into something far more exaggerated than where my own emotions or experiences began. Or, in some cases, not quite so exaggerated, but still not quite recognizable as ME.

Like I said, I'll take the trade any day - who would sacrifice happiness for creativity when given the chance? Well, what sane person anyway..... but I've never had to work so hard at the basics of coming up with ideas and characters, and it's totally throwing me. I've never even had to work so hard at just WRITING, period. I stopped writing publicly so much when my first marriage really began the downward spiral, but I still WROTE. I have a private online journal that's barely been touched in months, because for the first time in as long as I can remember, there's nothing deeply troubling happening in my life. Now I just have to force the ideas out, which is harder of course, but I don't want to stop writing just because my motivations have changed. That would be pretty stupid and wasteful given that I've spent my entire life always wanted to be a published author.

I think part of a lack of motivation can also come from not reading, which is also something I've always loved to do. Up until life got so busy, I devoured books like you wouldn't believe. I finally got my books unpacked (to a point) and got back into reading my favorite series (the Baxter family books by Karen Kingsbury....to read them is to love them and possibly even let them change your life), which is inspiring. I ordered the one book from the series that I didn't have and while I'm waiting for it to get here I'm reading this awesome book called "A Discovery of Witches" by Deborah Harkness, I think it is. Book reviews don't normally catch my interest too much, but I saw this one reviewed in People or US Weekly or something and was really intrigued - it's kind of like an adult version of a combination of Harry Potter and Twilight....all these magical creatures with science and history thrown in. To me, that's a perfect combination! It's pretty long, nearly 600 pages, and I'm not much over a hundred pages in, but I'm reading it every chance I get and I love it.

So, wish me luck - it's far past time for me to throw myself into my writing and FINALLY churn out that bestseller. =) (Or at the very least, just FINISH something.....lol) I have a few other ideas besides the aforementioned story I started last year, but I really want to do something different....and therein lies the biggest challenge.

In other news, I think it's pretty cool that today is my first St. Patrick's day with an Irish man who really likes to celebrate the holiday and is going to cook an authentic Irish meal tonight. =) I love being Irish - at the very least, it gives me something to blame when my temper erupts. ;-)(Of course, these days my temper is a poor shadow of a true Irishwoman, but that's okay. lol)

Well, thanks to actually sitting downn and writing out these thoughts, I have - surprise! suprise! - actually come up with some other potentially viable ideas for other stories. Now I just need to come up with an idea for tomorrow night.....V and I had planned to go somewhere for the night all by ourselves - a phenomenon that hasn't occured since the night we got married almost four months ago - and a couple from church was going to watch the little girls while the older kids our at their mom's house.....and then I got a call this morning from our friend at church who is sick and can't watch Faith and London tomorrow night. :-( Aside from the fact that we haven't had a night alone since the night we got married - and even then, the next morning we had to go pick up Mom and the little girls from their hotel room fairly early in the morning - which is enough of a reason in and of itself - I'm headed to California for two and a half weeks very soon here, and I NEED time alone with my husband. Shocking, right? A wife who actually wants to be alone with her husband?? lol So cross your fingers, please - I'm really hoping we can figure something out and still be able to go out tomorrow night. Especially since the girls actually reacted favorably when I told them - mere moments before the phone call - that they were having a sleepover at someone else's house tomorrow night. Grrr......

Anyway, I need to get some other things done while the house is quiet and London is asleep. Wish me luck! =)

Peace

I've been listening to so much music lately I'm not sure if I can write in original thoughts instead of song lyrics, but I'll give it a shot. ;-) In keeping with recent tradition, I wrote those two entries back to back in January, and now here it is MARCH and I haven't said anything since then. I really need to get back in the habit of writing if I ever want to make the bestseller's list.....kind of a necessity. lol

Part of the idea of writing about gratitude and personal growth is, I think, coming up with different things to be grateful for and that need to be fixed, but of course there are always those constants. Family is a given, but I can't say it enough - I'm so unbelievably grateful for mine. V is everything I could ever want or need - the whole package, for the first time. This is literally the first time that I've had all those elements you want in a relationship: attraction, friendship, respect, security, love.....on and on and on. It just goes to show you that you never know what life is going to bring you, that there is no particular checklist as to how you should find the perfect person for you. There were a lot of people that were surprised by V and I getting together in the first place, and especially by how quickly our relationship progressed - although I think more people, the ones who genuinely care about both of us, just looked at how happy we make each other and it all made sense. It definitely threw all of MY ideas about relationships out the window, though. lol At first after my divorce I swore that I never wanted to get married again - for a while there I wasn't even interested in dating, period, because the idea of getting out there again and getting to know someone from square one and all that frankly just exhausted me and really didn't seem worth it at the time. But it just wasn't like that with V.....we started talking and quickly realized just how much we had in common and how similarly we think about things (to the point where we were both like, ok, when is the other shoe gonna drop? because we can't be THAT perfect for each other) and all of a sudden all the things I had decided for my future just flew out the window. We've only been married for a little over 3 months and only been living together for 2 of those months, but it's amazing how quickly we just fit together and how well we know each other.....like I've said before, it's wonderful to see how God takes the ruins of the past and builds something incredible for the future. And V really is something incredible - even if I hadn't had bad relationships before him (and boy did I), I still couldn't ever see taking someone like him for granted. He works so hard - SO hard - at his job with its ridiculously early hours, and then at home taking care of all of us and whatever we need. I constantly wonder what I could possibly have done to deserve someone as great as he is - actually, that right there is a lesson in God's undeserved mercies and blessings, because I guarantee you I've never done anything good enough to deserve someone like him. (Of course I'm not sure I ever did anything BAD enough to deserve my ex-husband either.....) But the beauty of that is when God gives you something better than you deserve, you do your best to rise to the occasion and BECOME worthy of it.

That is something else I am continually aware of and grateful for - I mean I sure have my faults and have made my mistakes (oh boy, have I) and I'll never be perfect, but I feel like being with V makes me the best version of myself. I spent so much of my life around people and in relationships with people who brought out the worst in me - what is that Bible verse? "Bad company corrupts good morals" or something like that. (Then again, I'm sure there have been many times when I WAS the "bad company" - and that, my friends, is what they call a viscious cycle.)

This is not all to say that everything constantly has the perfection of the rose-colored glasses honeymoon phase - are you kidding? We're newlyweds with 5 kids blending 2 families - it's an adjustment for everyone. BUT when those difficult times happen, it's not hard for me to look at the big picture and let how I feel about him carry me through whatever worry, etc. I have. And I think it's safe to say that we're always growing and learning how to be a family - Faith and London are doing particularly well, although London especially talks a lot about missing Bum and Papa. Faith looooves school and is doing great socially and academically. I took Jessica to see the special director's fan edition or whatever of the Justin Beiber movie last weekend - yes, I like JB, but I always have. =) Now I just have a shirt and purple 3D glasses to prove it. lol Last weekend Shae, Jess, and I went shopping together, which was fun. I really got lucky with V - how many stepkids are this good and fun to be around? (Of course, according to Disney it's the stepMOMS you really have to worry about. Not true!! lol) And for Faith and London to finally have a RESPONSIBLE father who loves them means so much to me.

The last thing on my list of gratitude is kind of a blessing in disguise and not ENTIRELY something that I'm grateful for, but it's turning into something good. Faith and London have to go to California to spend Faith's spring break with their bio dad, and I found out a few weeks ago that I have to be in Modesto like a week and a half AFTER that to go to court with said bio dad. (He wants to get his child support obligation reduced.......) Needless to say I am really irritated by the reason that I HAVE to be in California, but like I said it's turning into something good - instead of only spending a week down there and not really having time to spend with everyone else since Spencer will have them, the girls will go to my mom's house after their week with Spencer and stay with them for like a week, week and a half. My part in all of this hasn't completely been decided yet - I'll either drive the girls down and stay the entire two and a half weeks there as well, or I'll stay here until like 5 days before the court date and then go down and visit with friends and family and drive back with the girls probably the day after court. Either way Faith, London, and I will get to spend time with people in CA that we miss, which will be nice.

This part is always harder - I used to be able to think of negative things so easily, but these days it is much easier to count my blessings than think of things I wish were different. Of course, there are ALWAYS things I can improve on, so here goes:

I need to write more in general, but beyond that I need to come up with some ideas to really get the creative juices flowing and finally write the book I've been wanting to write for a couple of years.

The next two things are continous works in progress that have always been things I needed to work on, and I finally feel like I have basically DONE. They will never be completely accomplished, but I've gotten to a point with both of these things that I feel worth celebrating them. Both of them have definitely happened because of my relationship with V - without being with someone who completes you, supports you, and inspires you to be the best version of yourself, there's no way lifelong (or even months-long) struggles can be overcome.

The first is the title of this blog and the meaning behind it - "workings towards someday". I started this blog after I separated from my ex-husband, knowing that life should, could, and WOULD be different, and better....someday. I knew there were things about me that had to change, demons that had to be dealt with, experiences I needed to have, etc. before I would ever get to someday, and I didn't know how long it would take, but I knew I would get there. "There" being the basically indefinable point of being not just content but HAPPY, of being the person I needed to be for myself and my children. As long as I'm living I'll always be growing, learning, improving - I hope - but thanks to V, that formely elusive "someday" is here and now. I considered starting a new blog since the title no longer fits, but I like the idea of looking back and seeing where I've been, how far I've come.

The last thing is coming to peace with my past. I've always been a reflective person, often thinking about people or events from months or years ago, usually overanalyzing things to death (I suppose those things are part of being a writer and a woman. lol) and, up until starting to date V, wondering what I could have done differently and wishing I HAD done things differently. I'm not saying I've always done the right thing - far from it - or that if it were possible I wouldn't ever fix anything from the past if a genie magically appeared and granted me the chance (hey....you never know! :-p), but I've finally come to the place where I've stopped overanalyzing my mistakes. I've acknowledged them, repented of them, and learned from them - but I no longer DWELL on them. Sure, there are apologies I wish I could have been given and those I wish I could know if they were accepted, definitive places in my past where the right choice was obvious and I made the wrong one - but the bottom line, however cliched it may be, is that it led me here. And for that I can be nothing but grateful - because for the first time I am truly at peace with myself and my past.