Peace

I've been listening to so much music lately I'm not sure if I can write in original thoughts instead of song lyrics, but I'll give it a shot. ;-) In keeping with recent tradition, I wrote those two entries back to back in January, and now here it is MARCH and I haven't said anything since then. I really need to get back in the habit of writing if I ever want to make the bestseller's list.....kind of a necessity. lol

Part of the idea of writing about gratitude and personal growth is, I think, coming up with different things to be grateful for and that need to be fixed, but of course there are always those constants. Family is a given, but I can't say it enough - I'm so unbelievably grateful for mine. V is everything I could ever want or need - the whole package, for the first time. This is literally the first time that I've had all those elements you want in a relationship: attraction, friendship, respect, security, love.....on and on and on. It just goes to show you that you never know what life is going to bring you, that there is no particular checklist as to how you should find the perfect person for you. There were a lot of people that were surprised by V and I getting together in the first place, and especially by how quickly our relationship progressed - although I think more people, the ones who genuinely care about both of us, just looked at how happy we make each other and it all made sense. It definitely threw all of MY ideas about relationships out the window, though. lol At first after my divorce I swore that I never wanted to get married again - for a while there I wasn't even interested in dating, period, because the idea of getting out there again and getting to know someone from square one and all that frankly just exhausted me and really didn't seem worth it at the time. But it just wasn't like that with V.....we started talking and quickly realized just how much we had in common and how similarly we think about things (to the point where we were both like, ok, when is the other shoe gonna drop? because we can't be THAT perfect for each other) and all of a sudden all the things I had decided for my future just flew out the window. We've only been married for a little over 3 months and only been living together for 2 of those months, but it's amazing how quickly we just fit together and how well we know each other.....like I've said before, it's wonderful to see how God takes the ruins of the past and builds something incredible for the future. And V really is something incredible - even if I hadn't had bad relationships before him (and boy did I), I still couldn't ever see taking someone like him for granted. He works so hard - SO hard - at his job with its ridiculously early hours, and then at home taking care of all of us and whatever we need. I constantly wonder what I could possibly have done to deserve someone as great as he is - actually, that right there is a lesson in God's undeserved mercies and blessings, because I guarantee you I've never done anything good enough to deserve someone like him. (Of course I'm not sure I ever did anything BAD enough to deserve my ex-husband either.....) But the beauty of that is when God gives you something better than you deserve, you do your best to rise to the occasion and BECOME worthy of it.

That is something else I am continually aware of and grateful for - I mean I sure have my faults and have made my mistakes (oh boy, have I) and I'll never be perfect, but I feel like being with V makes me the best version of myself. I spent so much of my life around people and in relationships with people who brought out the worst in me - what is that Bible verse? "Bad company corrupts good morals" or something like that. (Then again, I'm sure there have been many times when I WAS the "bad company" - and that, my friends, is what they call a viscious cycle.)

This is not all to say that everything constantly has the perfection of the rose-colored glasses honeymoon phase - are you kidding? We're newlyweds with 5 kids blending 2 families - it's an adjustment for everyone. BUT when those difficult times happen, it's not hard for me to look at the big picture and let how I feel about him carry me through whatever worry, etc. I have. And I think it's safe to say that we're always growing and learning how to be a family - Faith and London are doing particularly well, although London especially talks a lot about missing Bum and Papa. Faith looooves school and is doing great socially and academically. I took Jessica to see the special director's fan edition or whatever of the Justin Beiber movie last weekend - yes, I like JB, but I always have. =) Now I just have a shirt and purple 3D glasses to prove it. lol Last weekend Shae, Jess, and I went shopping together, which was fun. I really got lucky with V - how many stepkids are this good and fun to be around? (Of course, according to Disney it's the stepMOMS you really have to worry about. Not true!! lol) And for Faith and London to finally have a RESPONSIBLE father who loves them means so much to me.

The last thing on my list of gratitude is kind of a blessing in disguise and not ENTIRELY something that I'm grateful for, but it's turning into something good. Faith and London have to go to California to spend Faith's spring break with their bio dad, and I found out a few weeks ago that I have to be in Modesto like a week and a half AFTER that to go to court with said bio dad. (He wants to get his child support obligation reduced.......) Needless to say I am really irritated by the reason that I HAVE to be in California, but like I said it's turning into something good - instead of only spending a week down there and not really having time to spend with everyone else since Spencer will have them, the girls will go to my mom's house after their week with Spencer and stay with them for like a week, week and a half. My part in all of this hasn't completely been decided yet - I'll either drive the girls down and stay the entire two and a half weeks there as well, or I'll stay here until like 5 days before the court date and then go down and visit with friends and family and drive back with the girls probably the day after court. Either way Faith, London, and I will get to spend time with people in CA that we miss, which will be nice.

This part is always harder - I used to be able to think of negative things so easily, but these days it is much easier to count my blessings than think of things I wish were different. Of course, there are ALWAYS things I can improve on, so here goes:

I need to write more in general, but beyond that I need to come up with some ideas to really get the creative juices flowing and finally write the book I've been wanting to write for a couple of years.

The next two things are continous works in progress that have always been things I needed to work on, and I finally feel like I have basically DONE. They will never be completely accomplished, but I've gotten to a point with both of these things that I feel worth celebrating them. Both of them have definitely happened because of my relationship with V - without being with someone who completes you, supports you, and inspires you to be the best version of yourself, there's no way lifelong (or even months-long) struggles can be overcome.

The first is the title of this blog and the meaning behind it - "workings towards someday". I started this blog after I separated from my ex-husband, knowing that life should, could, and WOULD be different, and better....someday. I knew there were things about me that had to change, demons that had to be dealt with, experiences I needed to have, etc. before I would ever get to someday, and I didn't know how long it would take, but I knew I would get there. "There" being the basically indefinable point of being not just content but HAPPY, of being the person I needed to be for myself and my children. As long as I'm living I'll always be growing, learning, improving - I hope - but thanks to V, that formely elusive "someday" is here and now. I considered starting a new blog since the title no longer fits, but I like the idea of looking back and seeing where I've been, how far I've come.

The last thing is coming to peace with my past. I've always been a reflective person, often thinking about people or events from months or years ago, usually overanalyzing things to death (I suppose those things are part of being a writer and a woman. lol) and, up until starting to date V, wondering what I could have done differently and wishing I HAD done things differently. I'm not saying I've always done the right thing - far from it - or that if it were possible I wouldn't ever fix anything from the past if a genie magically appeared and granted me the chance (hey....you never know! :-p), but I've finally come to the place where I've stopped overanalyzing my mistakes. I've acknowledged them, repented of them, and learned from them - but I no longer DWELL on them. Sure, there are apologies I wish I could have been given and those I wish I could know if they were accepted, definitive places in my past where the right choice was obvious and I made the wrong one - but the bottom line, however cliched it may be, is that it led me here. And for that I can be nothing but grateful - because for the first time I am truly at peace with myself and my past.