"Grandma's Hands"

This was a very moving story. The author is unknown, to me at least.

"Grandma's Hands"

Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands.

When I sat down beside her she didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK.

Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. 'Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking,' she said in a clear voice strong.

'I didn't mean to disturb you, grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK,' I explained to her.

'Have you ever looked at your hands,' she asked. 'I mean really looked at your hands?'

I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down.. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making.

Grandma smiled and related this story:

'Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life.

'They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor.

They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child, my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war.

'They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special.

They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse.

'They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand.

They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer.

'These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of life.

But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of God.'

I will never look at my hands the same again. But I remember God reached out and took my grandma's hands and led her home. When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and husband I think of grandma. I know she has been stroked and caressed and held by the hands of God.

I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel His hands upon my face.

National Honesty Day

"We wake up in the breakdown of the things we never thought we would be...what do you got to move you, darlin'?" - "Here Is Gone", Goo Goo Dolls

Today is full of the desire to inspire, to be inspired. That's my goal here, and not just for today - not to use this as a space to whine and complain about how unfair the hand I've been dealt is as I would have in the past (especially since I realize that life is generally not the result of consequences that you've been randomly dealt, but choices that you've consciously made) but to focus on the positive and the life I'm aspiring towards.

I just finished reading an amazing book called "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge. There's no way I can describe it with my own words, so I'll tell you what it says on the back. It's kind of long to type, but here it goes.

"Every woman was once a little girl. And every little girl holds in her heart her most precious dreams. She longs to be swept up into a romance, to play an irreplacable role in a great adventure, to BE the Beauty of the story. Those desires are far more than child's play. They are the secret to the feminine heart.

And yet - how many women do you know who ever find that life? As the years pass by, the heart of a woman gets pushed aside, wounded, buried. She finds no romance except in novels, no adventure except on television, and she doubts very much that she will ever be the Beauty in any tale.

Most women think they have to settle for a life of efficiency and duty, chores and errands, striving to be the woman they 'ought' to be but often feeling they have failed. Sadly, too many messages for Christian woman add to the pressure. 'Do these ten things, and you will be a godly woman.' The effect has not been good on the feminine soul.

But her heart is still there. Sometimes when she watches a movie, sometimes in the wee hours of the night, her heart begins to speak again. A thirst rises within her to find the life she was meant to live - the life she dreamed of as a little girl.

The message of 'Captivating' is this: Your heart matters more than anything else in all creation. The desires you had as a little girl and the longings you still feel as a woman - they are telling you of the life God created you to live. He offers to come now as the Hero of your story, to rescue your heart and release you to live as a fully alive and feminine woman. A woman who is truly captivating."

The description was enough to pull me in - it relates to that hidden memory in all of us of playing princesses as a little girl, wanting to be rescued - although more often than not when my friends and I played when we were younger, we were doing the rescuing. My childhood best friend and I used to pretend that we were Indian princesses named Miwona (her) and Tallahassee (me) who had to save our people from some evil invader, or that we were orphans who were being held captive in a similar fashion to Cinderella, but we didn't make peace with our fate or wait for someone to rescue us - we just escaped. But that doesn't mean I didn't long, as the book talks about, to be told that I was pretty, worthy, enough.

This book was incredibly uplifting and encouraging - at the end it talks about where we are called to be as Christian women, what we are called to do, and that's a topic I've been pondering lately: exactly which direction God wants me to go in. What His specific purpose is for me, that only I have been created to fill. I think I know where He's leading me, but it's not enough to "think" you know something like that.

One thing I've decided to do with this blog is write about something I've found interesting in my daily Bible reading. I was following a "read the Bible in a year" plan with a friend, but I've decided to deter from it a little bit - the idea was to read a chapter each from two books in the Old and New Testaments every day, with a chapter of Psalms or Proverbs corresponding to the day, like Proverbs 1 on the 1st of the month. It got too confusing, though, reading, for instance, a chapter out of Genesis (which I've been working on for about a month since it's so long. At a chapter a day it's pretty slow going.) and a chapter out of Ezra, then Nehemiah, and I just finished Esther. A lot of books in the Old Testament refer to things that happened in previous books, so I'd rather read a BOOK at a time instead. I'm working on finishing Genesis, Mark, and Romans, and then I'll just stick to a book out of each at one time.

As far as Genesis goes, Joseph's faith has always amazed and encouraged me. All through his brothers plotting to kill him, selling him as a slave, then Potiphar's wife claiming he tried to sleep with her and getting thrown in jail, we never see his faith wavering. And, even though he ends up being a slave and then being imprisoned, everything always works out for him. God's hand is always there, making him overseer in the prison and then overseer of Egypt, over everything but Pharaoh himself.

Joseph's story is a popular one, though. Just about everyone will recognize the reference to his "coat of many colors" - but there are many stories in the Bible that are signficant yet don't get more than a passing mention. In Genesis chapter 34,it tells the (brief) story of Dinah, the daughter of Jacob and Leah.

Genesis 34: 1-4 (NIV)

"Now Dinah the daughter Leah and borne to Jacob went out to visit the women of the land. When Shechem son of Hamor the Hivite, the ruler of that area, saw her, he took her and violated her. His heart was drawn to Dinah daughter of Jacob, and he loved the girl and spoke tenderly to her. And Shechem said to his father Hamor, 'Get me this girl as my wife'."

"Violated" her - raped her? That's what it sounds like. The part about asking Daddy to get her as his wife doesn't really surprise me since there was a lot of bargaining for women back then, and it doesn't say anything anywhere in the chapter about Dinah having feelings for him or willingly having sex with him.

My Bible's commentary says about the entire chapter,

"The name of God ends chapter 33 and begins chapter 35, but it is completely absent from this sordid chapter."

Very fitting, since the rest of the chapter consists of her brothers plotting revenge by convincing Hamor, Shechem, and the rest of the men there to be circumsized, lying and telling them that once they're circumsized, they can intermarry. Then, once the men agree to it and have done it and are lying in pain, Dinah's brothers kill all the men there and plunder their goods. Her brother killed EVERY SINGLE MAN there to avenge their sister's honor.

Raping and pillaging.....yeah, I would say God is pretty absent from those events.

Although, you have to admire a brother who will defend their sister. lol

I found a New Testament in the New Living Translation (which I prefer because it has the same message but is written in a more understandable way) on my paper back swapping site (paperbackswap.com, it's AWESOME - send a book, get a book)so the following passage is from the NLV, Mark 3:20-21:

"One time Jesus entered a house, and the crowds began to gather again. Soon he and his disciples couldn't even find time to eat. When his family heard what was happening, they tried to take him away. 'He's out of his mind,' they said."

It doesn't say just who in the family was there(although in verse 32 it mentions his mother and brothers), but whoever it was it's clear that at least someone in his family didn't know who He really was. I've read through the whole Bible before, several years ago, and never caught that. Members of his own family thought he was out of his mind! Can you imagine? I think it's safe to assume that by the time of his crucifixion his family was convinced, but at this point not all of them were. In that context, it makes sense that in verse 35 he says that anyone who does God's will is his brother and sister and mother, rather than just going out to meet his biological family. I checked different translations to make sure that's what it really meant, and they say the same thing. That's a verse that has stuck in my mind since I read it, and I'm going to look more into it and see what else I can find on the topic.

You may have realized that the title of this blog is "National Honesty Day". My mom has this really cool calendar that has the names of all the days on it - for instance, April 7th was "No Housework Day". A personal favorite, but unfortunately I couldn't celebrate it - I like a clean house too much. =)Seeing that on the calendar got me thinking, if life was like that movie "The Invention of Lying", I think it is, and we couldn't lie - even for just one day - what might we say that we hadn't already said to someone? Would you say it's true that we all harbor some kind of secret?

I don't know, but I would speculate that that's probably true - although I can honestly say that there is NOTHING that at least someone and generally a few someones know about me/my life. I used to be an open book, to a fault. There was nothing I wouldn't talk about. I do still feel that if you're open about your experiences and aren't afraid of people finding out about things you've done, they can't hold it against you - but I no longer feel that EVERYONE is entitled to know EVERYTHING. Ideally we would all live in such a way that we wouldn't do anything we would feel the need to hide - but we're human, are we not?

So, in honor of national honesty day, I offer this question: Is there anything you've been hiding that you want to tell someone?

This blog has taken me a looong time to write since I've been on and off the computer all day working on it. Hopefully I'll be back again tomorrow with at least my thoughts on the day's Bible readings. Have a great night!

New Starts

It's about time I started a new blog, having embarked on a new life the better part of a year ago. This blog is entitled "Working Towards Someday", because that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm living a different life than I expected to, but I'm happy. I'm healing. I have cracks in the exterior, but the foundation is becoming more secure. I'm not there yet, but I'll get there. And I won't spend forever wishing for "someday", because, as the address of my blog says, "someday comes one day". One day it will. I have dreams that are turning into plans. I'm not entirely sure where everything is going to lead me, but I know where it's NOT going to lead me. I'm not going to be the same person I used to be. Selfish, spoiled, childish. Self-centered, prideful. Living one way for so long and finally seeing yourself for who you are and how you need to change is powerful, sobering, and difficult all at the same time. It's also empowering.

I've spent far too long being content in places I shouldn't have been. Some of the changes I'm making now are things like deleting my Facebook page - it's too much of a temptation to me to spend too much time on there, playing Farmville and checking constantly to see what's new. I also want to communicate with the people I care about on a more personal level - get back to phone calls and one-on-one visits. I'm doing a "read the Bible in a year" thing with one of my friends and trying to focus more on strengthening my relationship with God. I want to be the kind of person people want to look up to, not the kind of person who wants to be like someone else.

Life is not what I want it to be quite yet, but I have many, many things to be thankful for. I have a great support system in my friends and family who have helped me out tremendously during the last seven months in various ways. You never think it before it happens, but being broken down beyond what you thought possible is often God's way of showing you what you're capable of and what's important.

That's all for now - in keeping with my desire to spend more time doing more productive things, I hope to update this a couple of times a week, and now it's time to go do some studying and cleaning. Until next time!